Love... Part 1

I am a Myers-Briggs type INTP... I am an eneagram type 4w5... this isnt exactly a normal combo... relevant stats I have seen put this at about 1.5% of INTPs.

I'm weird... even among a minority personality type.

I am introverted and a thinker... but also a people pleaser.  I am almost OCD when it comes to taking care of other people... the way someone likes their coffee... their favorite drink... even the way some people like to have their clothes folded. 

You would think... that this would mean I have had a lot of successful relationships.  Yet, I have been married twice (divorced twice now)... and really only had three other long term relationships.  Why?  I know... in a lot of ways... I am directly responsible... either I ended things... or I did something that I knew would end the relationship.

I am going to review the basics... because I am looking for a pattern... or at least something that makes some sort of sense to me.

(pre sex)

Des - I had a crush on Desiree for many years.  She was my step-sister's best friend... cute, but not hot.  She was a bitch... but on more than one occasion she gave me some sort of special attention that really made me think there was something mutual there.  Who knows.  Nothing ever happened.  She really jumped from one bad relationship to another... sometimes trading off with Kristi (who we will get to later)... dating the same boy... or one dumping him only to let the other one pick him up.  Bitchy, controlling girl behavior actually.  But at the time... I had delusions that I would be somehow different.

Did I love her?  No.  It was a kid's crush.

(first time)

Tanya - Part-time lesbian friend of a friend (Ex-girlfriend of Des actually). She surprised me one night, she stayed over at my house, friends with my Step-sister.  I woke up to her naked... lying next to me... asking if I had ever done this before.  It was never a real relationship... but there was a lot of sex... which is great when you are 17.  On the plus side... You can learn an awful lot about how to please a woman from a lesbian.  Downsides... pathological liar.  Really.  Weird shit too... you could know exactly what happened... try to correct her... but she would act like you were crazy for not remembering it how she did.

Did I love her?  No... it was an education... not even any real affection.

Mona - Friend of Tanya (ok... I do see a pattern here).  No intercourse... lots of kissing, fondling, teasing talk.  She was a virgin... and I did not feel confident enough to take things further.  Very outspoken... mentioned threesomes with myself and Ian, yet neither of us ever decided it was worth it.  She lost her virginity to Jimmy (my 2nd ex-wife's current boyfriend... *sigh*).  Strangely enough... once, after a night of frustratingly not having sex with the red head in my bed... I fucked Tanya by the pool... because I was too horny to sleep.

Did I love her?  No... part of why I could not have sex... did not seem "right"

Kim - Friend of Kristi (yes... same Kristi).  Weird mix of crap... she was fun... and crazy... she told me she was a virgin... she even bled after we had sex the first time.  But, as the story is told  by Kristi, she had lost her virginity the summer before to a friend of theirs.  Not sure who to believe.  It was neither fun... or as interesting as it should have been... that old saying "Crazy in the head, crazy in bed," did NOT apply.  She did later try to stab me with a knife... and also dated one of Kristi's best friends... as well as got into a fist fight with Kristi over the musical Oklahoma.  Mixed bag of crazy... she was on meds... who really knows what... she was a foster kid... with a weird past... way too into dressing up and role playing games.  Probably had Dis-associative Identity Disorder, based on how often she would change 'faces.'

Did I love her?  No... in a lot of ways... I feel like I never knew who she really was.

Angela J - Friend of a friend. Started dating... not even sure how.  Had sex once... everything got weird really fast.  I ended things because she was just too... intense.  Definitely a virgin... but I did not know that at the time. I liked her because she was a free-spirit.  She would bury her shoes just to walk barefoot... she ran around in the woods, just because.  She was fun... and later there would be a weird mix of flirting, fondling, and even violence on a boat.  In a strange way... I saw a kindred soul... but there was always a spark of something missing... Later on... she would marry Ian, but they never lived together and eventually annulled the marriage.

Did I love her? No... the connection was never there.  Things moved too fast.

Colby - Best friend for two years.  She lived with my family for a while.  I visited her in Oregon for a month.  All that time... nothing ever happened.  Then... one day... we drank whiskey and had sex.  It was not what I expected... she was strangely non-responsive and cold.  It was never really dating... we kept it quiet.  Tried again a few more times... but it never seemed right.  She lived with Kristi for a while... they were inseparable. Colby was in love... Kristi wasn't.  I don't know if either of them ever considered it a proper relationship.

Did I love her?  Yes.  I knew everything about her.  She was my best friend for years.  After the sex... it was never the same.

Sara - Gothy friend... dated my friend Josh.  I managed to be more interesting... and broke them up.  Still not sure of I did that on purpose or not.  She was feisty.  Had sex at an age that most would consider to be child abuse... but strangely... with her... it just seemed normal.  Not me mind you...  by the time we hooked up she had been active for five years... me... just one year.  I liked her... this was the first relationship I considered to be something real.  My first long term relationship... full of ups and downs.  Cheated on her with Colby once... early on. We moved past that fairly well.  We stayed together for months... we traveled to So.Cal to visit her family one Christmas.  I broke up with her the week after we came home.  Why?  I was turning 18... and interested in exploring my sexuality (whatever that means)... despite the fishnets, short dresses, and early sexual exploits... she was too vanilla... and I wanted something different.  I'm not proud of myself for that... I was just young and selfish.

Did I love her?  Yes.  First real relationship.  First purely romantic love... it is still kind of sweet in my memory.

Robyn - Here is where things get messy and hard to explain.  I met Robyn, my first ex-wife, on AOL.  Yay for chat rooms... first vampires... then private sex chats.  She was vivacious... and exciting... really played to my need for attention.  Plus... she looked a lot like Kristi.  Oh... is that surprising?  I guess I should have mentioned that.  I will explain that in detail later.

She was an adult orphan.  Exactly six months older than me.  We had a weird chemistry... opposites in so many ways.  She came to visit... and just kind of moved in.  The sex was amazing... finally... "crazy in the head = crazy in bed!"  There was chaos... and drama... a pregnancy... a major fight... she moved to New Hampshire.  There was weirdness... there was Sara in a bikini... stripping in front of me.  There was Robyn and Kristi becoming good friends.

That summer was a mess... I got my first job... Robyn and I went on the Ricki Lake Show.  We had sex in New York City... I took a bus across the country to bring her back.  All this... in a very mixed up timeline... culminating in my first son being born in So.Cal... and me bringing the two of them back to live with me in Redding.  Later... there would be a costumed Halloween wedding.

The chaos never stopped.  I worked my ass off... first working stupid long hours at a gas station... later adding on delivering papers and working at the gas station.... 15 hour days.  Then... working at Target.  We fought... constantly... about stupid, kid stuff.  Strangely... we had our second son... because we thought it would help us find some peace... it didn't.  I finally realized how bad it was... scratches, bruises, one coffee table thrown at me, then the last straw... a glass plate and a broken framed picture shattering glass around my feet... my two kids playing on the floor... she did not even stop to acknowledge the glass around her babies.  I left that night... took the kids to my parent's house.  It was over for me that night... but it took a while to get a divorce.  She moved on faster than I did... a new guy was in the house three months later... they are still married.  Go figure.

Did I love her?  Yes.  Can I explain it?  Nope.  She was not a bad person... she had her issues... we were NOT good together.  But, there was passion... it was intense... and we made two smart kids. 

Been A While

Chaos... That is how I would describe the last year+ of my life.

A year ago... my marriage was already over... I just refused to recognize it.  I was living with a stranger... who wore my dead wife's face and spoke with the voice of a ghost.  I believed her when she would make promises or pretend things would get better.  All the while... she had a boyfriend... and continued to meet others.

Looking back... I knew something was wrong.  I should have trusted my gut.  I should have made her leave.  I had a decent job... I was already watching the kids from the time I finished work to the time they went to bed.  I was even helping her with homework.  I did her online History class for her... and when she crashed and refused to complete her Sociology of Television class... I finished her last two projects for her.  What was I thinking?  Why did I cling to a love that was obviously gone?

Then came the move... her Aunt kicked us out of the house we rented from her... did I mention that psychosis runs in the matrilineal line?  This was right at Christmas.  We were broke.  We somehow managed to get the kids presents... despite all of the student loan money she took out disappearing.  Jeans, makeup, etc.  That makes me angry too... but I can let that go.  She got so angry with me... because I did not have anything to fill her stocking with.  What?  Really?  After a month of scrounging cash so we could afford a deposit and put presents under the tree for the kids?  How could someone be so selfish as to be angry at not having a stocking.  I did not expect anything.  It didn't matter.  What mattered was being together... and making the kids smile.

Then came this summer.  I came home... she was gone.  I read through her emails... and her text messages.  She saved them all in SMS.  Invasion of privacy?  Yes. Warranted... after the year I had... and coming home to an empty house... and no kids... yes.

What I discovered shocked me.  My suspicions of her behavior were all true.  Even from November to December, when we were "trying to work on our marriage."  She was meeting people online.  She was sending out photos.  She was arranging threesomes in our new house... right BEFORE Christmas.  She can claim that I ruined the marriage.  There is probably a lot of truth there.  It was full of lies and failures from the start.  I am not proud of my behavior... and I regret not doing more to take care of my family.  But, I was never unfaithful.  I never lied about meeting people to have sex... or get mad at her for ruining her Christmas while she planned to have sex with people in a house we had not even moved into yet.

She hates me.  I understand that.  I do not understand the why.  Thing is... I no longer care.  I see the pattern in her behavior... with her first husband... with me... with her next boyfriend... and the current boyfriend.  She is afraid of being alone.  She is afraid of growing old.  She is intelligent... but doubts her own abilities.  Her parents did that to her.  They created someone with so much potential, then broke her.  I hate them for that.  She may say she forgives them... but she doesn't know how to forgive.  She tolerates them... because they are family. 

I loved someone special.  She did not come with an instruction manual... and some of the functions were damaged in shipping.  I made things worse.  We spoke different languages... had different priorities.  I will never hate her.  But right now... I do not like her.  We no longer talk... that is good.  It was painful to hear her voice.  We no longer text... that is good.  She never has anything nice to say.  We communicate through email... and even that... I am always the villain.

Right now... I should be finalizing some of the paperwork for the divorce.  I just don't care.  It will get done.  I am just not willing to work on her timetable.  Petty... maybe... really I am just not interested.  We signed an agreement for custody and visitation.  Already I feel that she will just make things inconvenient for me until I just go away.

For once... I am happy.  Her negativity... her lies... all of that is removed from my life.  I am still exposed to it... and if I want a place in my children's lives I have to re immerse myself in it from time to time.  But I have discovered real friends... people who care about me.  People I care about in turn.  I have found a new relationship... something that seems a bit too happy to be true... but I have never felt the need to be anything but myself with this person. 

Visual Graph of Love

The worst kind of love... when one person loses their Passion, compromises Intimacy, and wonders why the other is in constant pain...

You Cannot Fix Others

I am stuck.  I am obviously depressed: trouble sleeping, lack of interest in hobbies, exercise, eating right, work, even watching TV.

I know why. I was delivered divorce papers this week.  I  am not against the divorce... I am just not happy with how horrible the last year has been.

Even now, I do not want her back.  She has repeatedly created situations that should force me to hate her.  What troubles me is who is the real K?  Is it the kind, sweet mother of three kids?  Is it the fiercely protective wife who fought so hard to help clean up some previous messes in my life?  Or is it the fuck-it-all, I give up, bitch who started seeing someone else?

I wasn't perfect.  Far from it.  She has legitimate grievances.  BPD prevents people from accepting the past and moving on.  She says she forgives people, but I know this is untrue.  She holds on to every hurt and pain she has suffered in life.  How do you fix that?  It is not possible. 

So now, we have days like yesterday.  I do not give her what she wants; in this case, the total amount of my paycheck; and all hell breaks loose.  I counted about 80 text messages, and about 15 phone calls.  I made the mistake of responding... and it went on all day.  I only respond because i think somehow, i might get through to her, "this time."  But, it never changes.  We fight, she threatens, she cries, she threatens more.  It is an emotional rollercoaster.  In calm moments, if I mention something that was said in anger, she denies it ever happened. 

Yesterday, she even admitted that she doesn't know what she is saying.  She cannot remember it.  She either blocks it out... or something else takes over.  I believe this.  I have seen it.  She also told me she stopped taking her anti-psychotic.  I believe that too.  Her behavior becomes more erratic... more... unhinged.

She tells me that I am invalidating her feelings when I ignore her.  I am not.  I just cannot process her feelings.  How do you respond to someone who is so black and white, blazing hot and ice cold.  I know there is pain there and I can sympathize... but there is no longer empathy.  Trying to empathize with her tore me apart.  I am not equipped, emotionally, to separate what is normal from what is too intense and will pass.

I just wanted us to be a family.  I tried.  It was not enough.  I do not blame anyone for the end of the marriage.  Divorce is the best option on the table.  I tried to stay married, to meet my own personal sense of obligation, but she filed the papers.  So she made that decision easier.  I am sad.  I miss who she was... and who we both used to be.  But, I am not broken.  I feel damaged, but I also enjoy discovering who I actually am, not who I was forced to be. 

Here, Now, and When

I am alone.  New place... new job... no friends... no family.  It is a lot like the Army... but excruciatingly different. The Army told me where to go, when to eat, when to sleep.  Here I am free to do basically anything I want... outside of work. 

So... what am I doing?  Working, eating, and sleeping.  Punctuated with some working out... and some netflixed Dr. Who.  I sleep a lot.  I have housemates... I have coworkers.  I have friends on internet forums and in text messages.  Why do I still feel so bloody lonely?  It isnt a depressed kind of lonely... it's just an emptiness.

I have tons of free time for hobbies... yet nothing sounds appealing.  I could paint... if I had my tools.  I could probably scrounge up materials and build a raised bed garden with just things in the backyard.  I am working on handstands.  Yet nothing feels right.

Everything is quiet.  I turn off the TV... housemates turn it on even when they are not in the same room.  I have never understood the need for background noise.  I sleep with music on again... I haven't done that since K and I started living together.  Sleeping alone is weird... it's different than sleeping in another room... or sleeping on the floor.  This is a whole different type of alone.  No one makes demands on my time.  Even work is sort of at-my-own pace.  I do things fast just because I enjoy the efficiency of the process...

I have had many cases of deja vu since coming here.  And not just that weird prickly sensation, but full on "memories," of things I haven't seen yet.  That sort of prescience does bother me when it happens.  My understanding of space-time doesn't sit well when things happen out of order.  Things may not be truly linear... but I prefer it when they move that way.  My dreams are more vivid... that could be the cold and the omega-3s I take before bed.  Sleeping with the window open and the heating vents closed has been nice.

My mind is absorbing everything.  I am remembering incredible details... patterns in rocks and trees... strings of numbers... faces... names... cloud formations.  Interesting how much of that was lost in the chaos of the last few years.  I am remembering what it was like... I'm not sure now which I prefer.  I miss my routines.  I miss being needed.  I don't miss being ignored... or put aside.  I exist... that is enough I suppose.

This rambling is a distraction.  I can pretend for a moment that I have someone to share these things with.  I am not sure why that is important.  My thoughts exist for the moment, but then transition to something new... Oh Look... Shiny.  *sigh*  I cannot imagine how that could be appealing for someone else.  That is not meant to sound emo... more to the point... what purpose do such thoughts hold if I have no plans or goals.  I am distracted by life... I suppose that is living in the moment.  I am more zen than at any other time in my life, yet there is a lack of substance, that I feel I need.

Poser likes to talk about disassociation and detachment.  Why?  Where is the purpose in that?  If your goal is to detach from reality and individual thought, how does that serve the purpose of the universe?  If you buy into the idea of universal consciousness, the god-mind, or even condensed wavelengths of energy slowed to the point of becoming matter... then why not use these moments we have to explore, learn, grow your consciousness?  How can you accomplish that if all you ever do is try to detach from reality?  I do not want to detach myself.  I want to make connections... with people, things, nature.  I enjoy finding those ley lines and nodes that draw us together.

Reflective Listening + Validation

Reflective Listening

The goals of reflective listening are several:

1. To facilitate the expression of someone else's feelings.
2. To enhance a speaker's problem-solving ability by helping them move through "stuck" feelings; and
3. To generate a feeling of warmth and understanding between listener and speaker.

The technique of reflective listening is deceptively simple to describe, and challenging to master. The listener must identify the primary feelings the speaker is having and then reflect back that understanding with an empathetic tone. For example:

Wife: If that neighbor parks in my space again I'm going to let all the air out of his tires!
Husband: Sounds like you're angry that he keeps taking your spot.
Wife: You bet I am. I've told him not to ten times! But I don't want to get him mad at us because I know what a jerk he can be.
Husband: You're afraid of what else he might do.

Reflective listening avoids the many pitfalls listeners tend to fall into: judging, minimizing or discounting feelings, giving advice, or not responding at all. One of the most common pitfalls is trying to help “solve the problem”. Speakers are often just looking for empathy, a chance to vent, and to clarify their own thinking.

They may consider it an insult to their intelligence for the listener to offer solutions. And if the solutions posed seem simple, the speaker may feel like her feelings are being judged as being irrational.

Reflective listening is not simply repeating or paraphrasing what a speaker has said. Most speakers don't question your comprehension of their words, but they need to know that you know how they feel.

Reflective Listening Is Not Always Enough

While reflective listening is arguably the single most important communication skill taught, sometimes the technique falls short of its goals. When the feelings expressed are quite strong, or the speaker carries some doubt or shame about their feelings, a neutral reflection by the listener can miss the mark, even if the feeling reflected is accurate and the tone is empathetic. For example:

Worker: I can't believe the secretary hasn't finished my report yet. What the hell is the matter with her?
Co-worker: You're angry that she's not done.
Worker: Angry? Oh no. I'm sure she's got her hands full like all of us. But damn it, I've got to present that report in half an hour!
Co-worker: You are afraid you won't have it in time.
Worker: No. It doesn't matter. I can present the bulk of it without having it in writing. ...Damn!

The worker in this example is embarrassed by his own feelings as they are reflected back to him, and he denies them. He is not convinced by the reflective listening that his anger and fear are understandable. An empathetic tone of voice is not always enough to communicate that someone's feelings are okay. The empathy in the tone, however, can be put into words. This is where the skill of validation comes in.

Validation Defined

Simply put, validation is the message, "Your feelings make sense. Not only do I hear you, but I understand why you feel the way you do. You are not bad or wrong or crazy for feeling the way you do."

This is a message people often need to hear, especially when they are rocked by strong feelings. No one is going to sound authentic, however, parroting these exact words. The art of validation is in tailoring the essence of this message to the specific feeling and situation the speaker is experiencing.

The Need For Validation

To understand why people need to be validated requires us to look at how often our feelings get shamed. As a society we have very few places where feelings are welcomed. We learn that strength means not crying, bravery means not feeling fear, and maturity means never being angry.

Showing strong emotion tends to make the people around you very uncomfortable. Usually, they will attempt to get you to stop as quickly as possible. They may try to convince you that your feelings are inappropriate. Or they may try to reassure you. Even if their intent is to help you feel better, often the message is that it's not okay to feel bad.

Consequently, we have all accumulated many messages that our feelings are wrong. We yearn, therefore, for acceptance of our feelings, especially when our feelings are strong. Whatever else someone may be saying when they vent their feelings, they are probably also implicitly asking, "Are my feelings okay?" Validation answers this indirectly asked question, and provides satisfaction for a profound, though often unconscious, need.

The "Natural" Validation

Validation comes naturally whenever a listener feels the same way as the speaker. If Tom describes his anger at the invasiveness of telephone marketing and Corrine hates telephone marketing too, then all she has to do is express her feelings and Tom will probably feel supported that his feelings are okay.

Often someone needing validation will tell their story over and over again to different people, unconsciously searching for someone who feels the same way they do. Natural validation works well and does not require any specific skills. It is limited, however, to situations where the speaker and the listener feel the same way.

The Skill of Validation

When you do not feel the same way as someone you are listening to does, you can still validate their feelings. Doing so requires that you identify in yourself "sub-feelings" or different parts of yourself. While you may have a primary or dominant feeling about something, you can often have sub-feelings that are quite different.

When a friend moves away, a person might say she feels sad. While sadness may be the largest single feeling she has, she may have sub-feelings as well. She might feel angry at the friend for leaving. She might feel relieved that the friend is finally going to do what he has been talking about for years. Or she might feel afraid that her friend may be making a mistake.

There is a common misconception that we only feel one thing at a time. This error can make it difficult for a person to articulate his feelings. As soon as a person identifies one feeling, he hears a nagging voice inside saying “Oh no you don’t, you feel just the opposite!” Trying to decide on a single feeling with which to represent oneself can result in a confusing inner conflict, causing a person to become tongue tied. By allowing for the existence of sub-feelings, even contradictory ones, we can identify and express a more thorough picture of how we feel.

Identifying sub-feelings can also help us validate someone whose predominant feeling is different than our own. Imagine someone describing to a friend how angry he is at the thief who just held up a store he was in:
"I was so angry I just wanted to follow the guy out and beat him up!"

Imagine that the listening friend, however, identifies how scared she would be in that situation. She can't imagine the desire to pursue the thief. The idea sounds quite stupid to her. She can still validate her friend's feeling, however, by identifying her own sub-feelings.

She might ask herself, "Have I ever felt angry enough to want to fight back against someone?". She may then remember wanting to slug a guy who harassed her with catcalls on the street the other day. Having contacted a similar anger within herself she can then validate her friend by saying something like:
"I can understand being angry enough to want to strike back".

This validation is likely to feel genuine to her friend because she was willing to feel a similar anger inside her-self before she said it. If she had just said, "You are angry about the hold-up," without identifying any sub-feelings of anger within herself, her response would likely seem mechanical and not very validating.

Some readers might fear that validating someone's anger will make them more likely to act it out. Quite the opposite is true. When someone's feelings are validated the urge to act them out actually lessens. The validation helps them let the feeling go and begin thinking more clearly about a wise course of action.
The art of validation, then, requires that you actually feel some aspect of the emotion the speaker is having.

Your feeling does not have to be the main response you would have to the situation they describe. It can be a sub-feeling, or it can be a feeling you would have in another situation that has some similar elements. What makes a validation authentic is your willingness to call up and experience a part of yourself that can connect with the emotion being described. When you speak from that willingness, your message that the emotion in question is understandable or okay will be truly validating.

Choosing Feelings?

Another roadblock to good validation is the fallacy that we "choose our feelings". Listeners can shame speakers with this misconception.

“So you are choosing to be upset with your husband. I guess that’s your right. How is it working for you?”


This approach may be well-meaning, but it is likely to be poorly received. The power of examining our choices is a valuable tool, but we must be clear about what we have choice over and what we do not.

Our feelings are bodily experiences that we perceive, rather than choose. The only direct choice we have over our feelings is whether to be aware of them or to repress them. Either choice may be appropriate, given the situation. Sometimes it is best to put your feelings aside and focus on a particular task. At other times, knowing how you feel is important so you can make good decisions, or so you can connect meaningfully with others.

There are choices we make, however, that affect our feelings indirectly. Our feelings spring from our needs, our experiences, and our interpretations of them. How we interpret events affects how we may feel about them. Our interpretations, and the beliefs upon which we base them, are subject to our choice. By changing the way we look at a situation we can change how we feel about it.

Unfortunately, many of the beliefs that underlie our interpretations of events are either not conscious, or resistant to change. The pessimist, for example, is unlikely to simply decide to suddenly believe that “things will all turn out okay”. Many past experiences have formed the basis for his pessimism. Perhaps, for instance, a pessimistic attitude was once an effective way to cope with a series of disappointments.

Changing one’s belief systems, therefore, can be a difficult process. First the underlying belief must be identified. Then, a more functional belief must be proposed, and finally, experiential evidence supporting the new belief must be accumulated. Only then do feelings begin to change.

Hence, it is unrealistic to expect someone to change their beliefs whenever challenged. Listeners who do this may appear callous and uncaring.

Feelings and Needs

Feelings are also a factor of whether a person’s needs are being met or not. Marshall Rosenberg, founder of Non-violent Communication, explains that good feelings are the response we experience when our needs are being met and uncomfortable feelings are the result of our needs going unmet.

Feelings that spring from unmet needs are often difficult to accept, particularly if one does not believe that the needs they have are legitimate. Whether they believe it or not, all people have needs for connection, autonomy, mastery, physical comfort, and meaning. An under-standing of these universal human needs can help people give themselves more permission to have their needs and the feelings generated when those needs go unmet. Such self-acceptance can help a person soothe themselves when they cannot find validation for their feelings from someone else.

Validating Feelings about You

One of the greatest challenges of good communication is validating the feelings someone has about you. When someone has a negative feeling toward us our first impulse is usually defensiveness. It makes sense that we would feel defensive because rarely do we do something with the intention of hurting someone else.

In order to respond to such feedback it is useful to make the distinction between the intention you had and the impact of your actions on someone else. Intent does not always equal impact. Only you know what your intention really was. Only others know what your impact on them really was.

Good communication can be defined as creating the impact that you intend. In order to communicate well, you have to be willing to listen to ways that your impact may have varied from your intent. Such feedback can help you make the proper correct-ions. Often, however, your first impulse may be to defend your-self.

Consider the following example:
Customer: Where's my car! I've got to go! It's supposed to be ready by now! It's been an hour!
Tire Salesperson: You have to give us some leeway on our estimated time for a job!

The customer here may feel that the salesperson is invalidating her feelings. If so, she may insist that her anger is justified and an argument may ensue.


Validating someone's feelings about you requires that you temporarily quell your impulse to explain yourself. Internally you may respect your intent and hold yourself blameless. Meanwhile, you focus your attention on what the other person felt and try to find something in your actions that could plausibly set off the feel-ings they describe. For example, our tire salesperson could say:

Tire Salesperson: Our estimate was off. I can see how that would be upsetting if you're in a hurry.

It is helpful to acknowledge what you did or said that sparked someone's feelings toward you. You do not, however, have to hold yourself accountable for the full intensity of their response. Your actions may have simply triggered strong feelings from their past. Pointing this out to someone, however, is likely to make them defensive unless you cop to your own involvement first. If you validate your contribution to their feelings they are often freed to look more closely at their own contribution.

After you have validated someone's feelings about you and allowed some time for those feelings to release, you can explain what your intention was without appearing defensive. Here are a few examples of the difference between defensiveness, reflective listening, and validation:

Example A:
Sister #1: Jackie! You pig! The pie is almost all gone!
Sister #2 (defensive): I didn't eat it all!
Sister #2 (reflective): You're angry about how much pie I ate.
Sister #2 (validating): Oh. I wasn't keeping track of how much I was eating. But if I had more than my share it makes sense that you'd be pissed.

Example B:
Child: This is a drag. You never take us anywhere fun.
Dad (defensive): What do you mean! What about last weekend!
Dad (reflective): You are bored with what we are doing.
Dad (validating): I can see how it might get pretty boring just hanging around here all day.

In both cases the validating response goes beyond the reflective response to include the message that the feelings expressed are understandable. The validating response thus addresses the unconscious question, "Are my feelings okay?" Because the need to be validated is so universal among people, those who gain proficiency at this skill can become very popular indeed.

18 Months vs. 15 Years...

I have written many posts describing a therapist who has treated several dozen BPD couples. He said that BPD relationships typically last 18 months or 15 years. They last 18 months, he explained, when the Non is healthy and has strong personal boundaries. In that case, the Non enjoys the 6 month passionate honeymoon and is willing to work for up to a year trying to reestablish the honeymoon. Then he bails.

The relationship last 15 years, he explains, when the Non has weak personal boundaries, being codependent. In that case, the Non never does leave. Instead, the BPD leaves him because each year she grows increasingly resentful that he did not fix her or make her happy. Moreover, as her body ages, she becomes increasingly fearful of abandonment.

--http://www.psychforums.com/borderline-personality/topic36357.html


word! This makes so much sense it hurts.

Nutrient-Dense Supplemental Foods

Egg yolks

Egg yolks are number one in my book. The way they blend effortlessly with other foods and even enrich them, and (if you get a really pastured one) provide unparalleled taste and mouthfeel when eaten straight out of the shell can’t be praised enough. The vitamin A, choline, folate, selenium, iodine, and omega-3 (again, if you get pastured) are rather nice, too. Eat egg yolks every day, just don’t smoke ‘em. Yes, that was a double reference to both the egg yolk/cigarette study and Dr. Dre.

Liver

Since every animal comes with but a single liver, it’s tough to get more than a few ounces if you’re sharing with everyone else in the group. Good thing liver is the most nutrient-dense food on the planet, so nutrient-dense that eating more than a half pound to a pound a week is probably overkill and will net you an excessive amount of certain nutrients.

Seaweed

Seaweed is green vegetation that’s been marinating in mineral-dense seawater for its entire life, and when you eat seaweed, you get the best source of iodine, plus magnesium, manganese, iron, and tons of other trace minerals that you might be (probably are) missing out on. Some of the healthiest traditional cultures consider seaweed a staple food, and essentially every group of coastal people utilized sea vegetables in their diets. Sprinkle kelp or dulse flakes on food, make broth using dried kombu, eat seaweed salad when you go out to eat sushi, roll up avocado and meat in nori wraps – the possibilites are many and delicious.

Turmeric

You might have read my old post on turmeric, thought, “Huh, interesting,” gone out for Indian that night, and never thought about it again. That’s a mistake, in my opinion, because turmeric is delicious and a true health food. It and its primary bioactive component – curcumin – have been shown to be anti-inflammatory, anti-lipid peroxidative, blood lipid-improving, and anti-carcinogenic in human studies. Contrary to popular belief, turmeric doesn’t just go with Indian food. I often sprinkle it liberally on my eggs, meat, and vegetables, and I even make a tea out of it. So no, you have no excuse not to use more turmeric more often. Add black pepper to increase the benefits.

Bone broth

It can feel like a chore to make, but it’s really not. Get bones, cover with water, heat, strain. It only seems like a big job. Once you get going, though, it’s easy enough. Make it a routine, to make it even easier and ensure that you have bone broth on hand at all times. Just be sure to clean those pots right away; dried, obliterated skeletal matrices are tough to scrub off of stainless steel pots. As for the benefits, bone broth is a good source of minerals and gelatin. If you’ve been pounding the muscle meat, balancing the amino acid methionine out with some glycine from gelatin is advised, since methionine metabolism depletes glycine. Gelatin also improves joint pain and sleep quality. I hate the former and love the latter, so I make and drink bone broth.

Bone marrow

Bone marrow is an interesting one. It’s plainly obvious why humans and their ancestors have been seeking it out for millions of years – it’s fatty, calorie-dense, and delicious – but its nutritional value beyond macronutrients is a bit more murky. In a previous post on bone marrow, I tried to divine the specifics and came to the shaky conclusion that since marrow is actively involved in bone and connective formation and resorption, we can effectively think of it as an organ and thus assume it to be nutrient-dense. I think that still holds. No, there are no studies or nutritional databases to confirm this, but I’m going to go out on a limb and propose we consider bone marrow to be an important supplemental food.

Shellfish

Over a year ago, I told you guys to start eating shellfish. Did you? Well, consider this another notification that shellfish, particularly oysters and mussels, should be a regular part of your diet. Why oysters? Just four medium sized Pacific oysters supply a smattering of B-vitamins (including over 1000% of daily B12), 1200 IU of vitamin A, a third of daily folate, almost 7 mg of vitamin E, 3 mg copper, 280% of daily selenium, and 33 mg zinc. That comes with 18 g protein, 4 g fat, 1.5 g omega-3, 0.1 g omega-6, and 9 grams of carbohydrates. Why mussels? They’re also rich in B-vitamins, selenium, zinc, and protein, but also come with good amounts of magnesium and manganese. Other shellfish are also good, but probably not as important as oysters and mussels.

Aged cheese

Gouda and pecorino romano are ideal choices. Gouda is the cheese with the highest vitamin K2 content, and the longer the cheese is aged (fermented), the more K2 it picks up. Pecorino romano, by definition, must come from raw sheep’s milk grazed on lush grasses, and it must be made the traditional way – from animal rennet. The result is a salty, sharp cheese with bite, CLA, and the ability to “cause favourable biochemical changes of atherosclerotic markers.”

Natto

I know, I know. It’s soy, a legume with significant levels of phytoestrogens, phytic acid, and trypsin inhibitors. It’s got a gross, slimy texture that may be outdone only by its interesting taste. It’s soy. By most accounts, people following a Primal lifestyle shouldn’t have anything to do with it. If you asked me a couple years ago, I may have said that. But natto is a special kind of soy. It’s fermented using a particular strain of bacterium called Bacillus subtilis natto. When steamed soybeans are inoculated with b. subtilis, they are transformed from a basic legume with few redeeming qualities into a powerful supplemental food imbued with high levels of vitamin K2, a nutrient important in bone mineralization, cancer prevention, and protection from heart disease. If you’re into those sorts of things, natto is the single best source of vitamin K2.

Tiny whole fish with heads and guts

Anytime you can eat the entire animal, you should. Heck, if they were able to genetically engineer bite-sized cows, I’d be all over that (assuming they were grass-fed, of course). Until then, tiny fish with heads and guts will do the trick. I’m talking sardines. I’m talking anchovies. I’m talking smelt. I’m talking any of the fish running between a half inch and six inches long. Any longer and the guts will begin to stand out in your mouth. But if you keep to that sweet spot, you’ll get the brains, the glands (all of them), the organs, the bones, the fermenting algae, krill, and assorted sundry microscopic marine goodies tiny fish like to eat, in addition to the omega-3s and protein, without adverse flavors. Oh, and because they’re tiny and low on the food chain, tiny fish will be largely free of the heavy metals other, larger fish tend to accumulate.

Red palm oil

For the PBer who fears almonds and other nuts and seeds for the omega-6 content, vitamin E is scarce in the diet. Some would argue that vitamin E is only there to prevent oxidation of omega-6 present in foods, and there’s something to that. But still: dietary, full-spectrum vitamin E is a powerful antioxidant, and red palm oil is the richest source of the full-spectrum variety. It’s also a good source of CoQ10, another powerful nutrient. Oh, and it tastes good (once you get used to the unique flavor). Go for African palm oil instead of Southeast Asian, because the former isn’t produced on the backs of dead orangutans.

Brazil nuts

Selenium, selenium, selenium. This essential little mineral is woefully absent from most people’s diets, and it’s a shame: selenium is vital for thyroid hormone production, the manufacture of endogenous antioxidants, and sex hormone production. Brazil nuts are the best source of selenium. Many of the previously listed foods are going to get you plenty of selenium, but brazil nuts are nice to keep around for those days when you haven’t been eating your lamb kidneys, mussels, and anchovies. Just pop two or three brazil nuts and you’ll have more than a day’s worth heading straight to your gastrointestinal tract. Easy peasy. Go for the ones in their shells if you can, since those are going to be fresher than the shelled nuts.
Speaking of brazil nuts, I’ve always wondered whether to capitalize the “b” or not. Any thoughts?

Purple/blue foods (sweet potatoes, berries, vegetables)

As I’ve said before, bright colors in plants often indicate the presence of potent polyphenols – bioactive compounds found in plants. No bioactive color has been more studied and lauded than the blue/purple anthocyanins, which are linked to anti-inflammatory, anti-atherosclerotic, and anti-carcinogenic effects and can pretty much be found in any blue or purple fruit, vegetable, or tuber. So, Okinawan sweet potatoes are great sources. Blueberries, raspberries, currants, purple grapes, and blackberries are great. Red lettuce, radicchio, and purple cabbage, cauliflower, kale, tomatoes, and carrots are also rich with anthocyanins. If it’s purple or blue and edible, it’s probably worth eating.

Fermented food

Since modern medicine is steadily unearthing new connections between the gut microbiome and a host of health and disease states, we know we should pay attention to our gut flora. I can’t tell you to go eat dirt and stamp around barefooted in parasite-ridden water (even though both may theoretically have their benefits), but I can tell you to eat a mix of fermented foods. You’ve got your yogurts, your kefirs, your sauerkrauts, your kimchis, your (aforementioned) nattos, your beet kvasses, your kombuchas. Benefits include more numerous and more bioavailable nutrients, new nutrients, new genetic material for your gut flora to acquire, and membership into a tens of thousands of years-old fermented food appreciation Meetup group with billions of members from every culture that came before us. In other words, gut flora is important, everyone who’s anyone regularly ate fermented food, and you should too.

Read more: http://www.marksdailyapple.com/are-you-eating-these-important-supplemental-foods/#ixzz2Hd6BFn00

Vitamin D

“Vitamin D may affect the function of dopamine and norepinephrine, which are monoamine neurotransmitters that are likely involved in depression. Furthermore, vitamin D may modulate the relation between depression and inflammation.” (vitamin-d, 2011)

 “Our results support an inverse association of vitamin D intake from foods and the occurrence of depressive symptoms..." (vitamin-d, 2011)

 In other words, this means the higher vitamin D intake from food the less depression. This is a good reason to eat ocean-caught salmon and fresh tuna (also known as brain food) two or three time a week. (vitamin-d, 2011)

My experience as a psychiatrist is that people who work outside seldom get depressed and some of this is from vitamin D, some from exposure of bright light to the retina of the eye and perhaps some is the endorphin effect of UVB on the skin. In other words, keep up both things you are doing, including getting out in the sun, every day if you can. (mailbag, 2011)

 A lifetime history of depression may be a risk factor for later development of Alzheimer's disease. Depression may increase the risk of mild cognitive impairment that turns into Alzheimer's. Patients with Alzheimer’s and depression have more pronounced hallmarks of the Alzheimer’s brain than patients with Alzheimer’s who are not depressed. Studies indicate vitamin D deficiency may also be a risk factor in Alzheimer’s. (mental health, 2011)

This correlation scares the crap out of me.  A lifetime of depression... and in the end, degeneration.

I cannot explain how serious my depression and related issues (anxiety, suicidal thoughts, OCD) have become this last year.  A lifetime of depression coupled with an amazing number of life stressors have left me mentally drained.  I feel better when I get out in the sun, either working or exercising.  I take a daily Vit D supplement, 2,500 IUD, and if I have skipped a day or feel at all under the weather, I take a second at bedtime with 400 mg of Magnesium Citrate.

Sources:

vitamin-d, 2011, from: http://blog.vitamindcouncil.org/2011/10/04/vitamin-d-in-diet-and-depression/

mailbag, 2011, from: http://blog.vitamindcouncil.org/2011/09/24/mailbag-vitamin-d-sun-exposure-and-depression/

mental health, 2011, from: http://www.vitamindcouncil.org/health-conditions/mental-health-and-learning-disorders/depression/

Hip Strength

7 Step Hip Strengthening Routine

1. Lateral Leg Raises: lie on your right side with a theraband around your ankles.  Lift your left leg to about 45 degrees in a controlled manner, then lower.  I do 30 reps per side.
2. Clam Shells: lie on your right side with your knees together and a theraband around your lower thighs.  Your thighs should be about 45 degrees from your body and your knees bent at 90 degrees.  Open your legs like a clam shell but don’t move your pelvis – the motion should not rock your torso or pelvic girdle.  Keep it slow and controlled.  I do 30 reps on each leg.
3. Hip Thrusts: lie on your back with your weight on your upper back your feet.  Your legs will be bent at the knee.  Lift one leg so your weight is all on one leg and your back.  Lower your butt almost to the ground and thrust upward by activating your glutes.  This exercise is great for glute strength and hip stability.  I do 25 reps on each leg.
4. Side-Steps / Shuffle: with a theraband around your ankles and knees slightly bent, take ten steps laterally.  The band should be tight enough so it provides constant resistance during all steps.  Still facing the same direction, take another 10 steps back to your starting position.  That is one set.  I like to do 5 sets.  This exercise will look like a slow-motion version of a basketball “defense” drill.
5. Pistol Squats: These are simply one-legged squats.  The key to a successful pistol squat is to not lean forward, keep the motion slow and controlled, and make sure your knee does not collapse inward.
6. Hip Hikes: Stand on your right foot.  With your pelvis in a neutral position, drop the left side so it is several inches below the right side of your pelvic bone.  Activate your right hip muscle and lift your left side back to its neutral position.  I do 20 reps per side.
7. Iron Cross: This dynamic stretch will help you feel loose after the previous strength exercises. Lie on your back with your arms out to your sides and swing your right leg over your torso and up to your left hand. Repeat with your left leg and do 20 reps in total.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have discovered a weakness in my running more than 5k... my hips.  Inevitably, one of my hips will start to ache and while I can usually finish my run, the hip hurts so much for the next few days that it sucks to walk.  I have discovered a few stretches that help, post-workout, but I think I would be best served attempting to strengthen all of the myriad muscles that control the "2nd most badly designed joint" in the human body. 

Helping Someone With BPD

1. Assess: ask what has happened.
2. Listen actively; don’t contradict, judge, or say your loved one is overreacting.
3. Validate: find something in what happened that makes sense and is understandable, that you can relate to; say what that is.
4. Ask if you can help, not to solve the problem but to get through the moment.
5. If your loved one says no, give him or her space and remember the emotions of emotionally vulnerable people last longer. 

 Areas of Dysregulation

• Emotional dysregulation — extreme emotional responses, especially with shame, sadness and anger.
• Behavioral dysregulation — impulsive behaviors like suicide, self-harm, alcohol/drugs, binging/purging, gambling, shoplifting, etc.
• Interpersonal dysregulation — relationships that are chaotic, fearfulness of losing relationships coupled with extreme behaviors to keep the relationship
• Self-dysregulation — not knowing who a person is, what their role is, being unclear on values, goals, sexuality
• Cognitive dysregulation — problems with attentional control, dissociation, sometimes even brief episodes of paranoia

Validation

Validation is a way of acknowledging some small piece of what the person says as understandable, sensible, “valid.” An important piece of validation that people miss is that we don’t validate the invalid. For example, if your loved one is 5’7,” weighs 80 pounds and says “I’m fat,” you wouldn’t validate that by saying, “Yes, you are fat.” That would be validating the invalid.

You can validate some part of what she is saying by saying “I know you feel fat (or bloated, or full)”, whatever is appropriate to the context of what she is saying. Try to find some small kernel of validity. Remember that tone and manner can be invalidating when words are validating. “I know you FEEL fat” can be invalidating because it communicates that the feeling is wrong.

Healthy Boundaries

Examples of poor boundary control:

A poor sense or disregard of personal space—not sensing or knowing how physically close you should be in relation to another Disregarding your personal values in order to please others knowing how physically close you should be in relation to another Ignoring another person’s display of poor boundaries or invasion of your boundaries Sharing too much personal information with someone you don’t know well Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don’t want

Falling in love with a new acquaintance Excessive giving or taking Obsessive thinking about another person Letting others describe you or your reality Acting on the first sexual impulse Expecting others to anticipate and fulfill your needs Being sexual for your partner and not yourself Manipulative behaviors, abusive behaviors, etc.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries:

 Addicts, especially while under the influence of their drug of choice, also tend to demonstrate a lack of boundaries. Many of their sensibilities and sensitivities become increasingly blunted or impaired, and they are likely to become incapable of knowing the true needs and desires of another. Many of us in recovery find that certain therapeutic tools, recovery activities, and spiritual pursuits aid us in establishing or restoring healthy boundaries. As important as this is, it’s equally important to learn and practice healthy styles of communication. Even the closest or healthiest relationships require that clear, verbal boundaries be expressed from time to time. Leaving boundaries simply to assumption in a relationship is not always sufficient. Sometimes a boundary can be as simple as saying “No,” which is a complete communication of its own. At other times, some elaboration is needed. It is important to note that a boundary is not a threat. Threats are antiquated, fear-motivated behaviors directed toward changing or ‘fixing’ another person—another myth of codependence. Such behaviors can only backfire in unpleasant or hurtful ways for both parties. A clean, healthy boundary is a way to inform others as to how you wish to be treated, respected, and loved.

At Sierra Tucson and certain other treatment facilities, the following verbal boundary format is taught and practiced: “If you (behavior), I’ll share my feelings with you. If you continue, I’ll (action) to take care of myself.” The first sentence in this format is the assertion of your right or healthy decision to confront unacceptable behaviors in another. Failure to confront such behaviors may be seen as “enabling,” or giving another person tacit approval to disrespect or abuse you. Enabling behaviors are driven by the fear of rejection, in some form. A clean confrontation to address unacceptable behavior would be: “When you (behavior), like the time (example), I felt (core feelings).” Notice that this is based simply upon reporting your perception of another’s behavior, and your core feelings associated with it. Then, a big PERIOD follows, keeping the communication free of judgment, opinion, shoulds, over-explaining, or lecturing. (It is important to note that the feelings are preceded by “I felt…,” not, “You made me feel…,” the latter having highly codependent implications.) As with boundaries, the spirit of such a confrontation is to “let the chips fall where they may” versus being invested in a certain outcome pertaining to the other’s behavior. The expectation of a certain outcome is likely to be a form of manipulation—another mutually destructive, codependent behavior. The second sentence of the boundary format is intended to inform (not to punish or threaten) the other of your intended response to their unacceptable behavior if it continues. Whichever action you choose, be sure that it will be sufficient in taking care of yourself in such a situation and that it’s an action you are willing to commit to, so that your words have meaning. It is also important to select a “minimum muscle” approach to the action statement of a boundary, as, once again, it is not intended as a threat. The phrase “to take care of myself” is included to make the entire communication very explicit as to its purpose. Example: “If you raise your voice angrily on the telephone with me, I’ll share my feelings with you. If you continue, I’ll hang up and not wish to speak with you for two days, to take care of myself.” Notice that a timeframe is included in the second sentence—two days in this case. Two days might be adequate for taking care of yourself in such an instance, and the other person is unlikely to get the message that the relationship has ended. If the person repeats the behavior, you may wish to repeat the boundary once or twice, raising the ante of the action each time to help them understand, not to punish.

If the person continues to disrespect your boundary, a word for that would be “abuse,” and that’s when it’s important to remember that no one is served when you allow that part of Spirit that you are to be abused or victimized. That’s why your Higher Power gave you those appendages at the end of your legs that make you portable! So, within the scope of boundaries, one may allow for deeper and safer intimacy in a relationship or clarify when it may be time to end a relationship, or something between these polarities.

From the INTP Guide to Better Living

• from the time you're old enough to grasp this concept, focus on what makes you happy and start figuring out a way to make money with it in the world.
• play many sports and games (they are good for the mind and personal development, and the team sports for social skills), especially golf and billiards. golf will show you about yourself. most of the attributes needed to be good at golf (discipline, patience, confidence, analyzation skills, creativity) are the same ones that will help you in life - there are no shortcuts in golf. billiards will help you develop the same attributes, especially confidence. you just won't meet a good pool player who isn't confident.
• beware of people who don't trust anybody. they think everyone is like them.
• develop your artistic side in whatever way. few things are more pleasing than your own ability to create something beautiful.
• this is for all, but especially for INTP's, be good at many things, but become an expert in at least one. the individuals in the world that are in demand are the ones that can do something that others can't; or at least do it better.
• just be brave. learn early on that rejection isn't the end of the world and if you put yourself out there, you'll have success more often than failure. this goes for trying new things as well as going after that special someone. not even taking a chance is an automatic failure, and actual failure or rejection is never as bad or long lasting as what we imagine in our minds.
• very early on, learn to understand people's motivations. there are countless things you can do with the knowledge of 'why people do what they do'.
• learn how to be honest with your feelings and get comfortable telling those that are important to you how you feel about them. they want to know. the other side of the coin says make sure you actually know what you're feeling. if one person seems like the beginning and the end to you and all would be lost without them, you probably need a hobby.

INTj or INTp Article

INTj or INTp?
by Sergei Ganin

INTjs and INTps can have very similar behavior, interests and even appearance. However, when it comes to intertype relations there is a big difference between these two, because one's Dual is the other's Conflicting type. Also, two INTjs or two INTps can co-exist quite peacefully, whereas an INTj and an INTp do not make a very promising combination. Join any INTj discussion forum or mailing list and you can see this Quasi-identical tension for yourself. This is because there are many INTps among those INTjs.

Why do INTps test as INTjs? Because it is possible that some INTps actually do behave in such way that they could be mistaken for Judging types. The common perception of Perceiving types is as disorganized, unreliable and wavering. There are INTps out there that are, on the contrary, organized, reliable and unwavering or at least they may behave as such. As a result they often score as Js. But let's not forget that type is not about how you behave, it is about how your psyche is structured, which in return influences your behavior in one way or another. Taking more tests or reading more type descriptions may not give an answer to the INTj/INTp question for the reasons explained above. The right way to distinguish between these two types is by making a comparison on a "molecular" level.

Let's take a look at INTj's main function - introverted thinking (). INTjs are mainly interested in accumulating an understanding. They want to know why and what causes things happen the way they happen. They want to know and see the logic behind everything. If "it" does not contradict logic then "it" is right, otherwise "it" is wrong. INTps on the other hand seem to be logical too as their second strong function is extroverted thinking (). However, if for INTjs it is about gaining understanding, for INTps it is about exercising their knowledge, and therefore they mostly concern themselves with known facts. Moreover, INTj's logic is their area of confidence and conservatism. This makes their logic fundamental, meaning once the rules are established, they can be applied anywhere. INTps logic is their area of creativity. This makes their logic circumstantial and unpredictable - the rules apply here but may not apply there.

The same goes for Intuition. INTp's main function is introverted intuition (). Since introverted intuition is about internal wholeness or belief, this manifests itself in INTps being highly religious and spiritual people. It is also their area of confidence and conservatism and they will not welcome anything that could disturb that internal wholeness. And since you can believe in things that are not necessarily there or actually true, INTps criticize a lot. As for INTjs, their intuition is their second strong function, which is extroverted intuition (). Extroverted intuition is about perspective and potential and because it is INTj's creative output, their "creations" could be very unexpected and original, often bearing a high potential for future development. So, combining two and two together, INTjs are in their element when involved with science, invention, innovation, discovery, theory, explanation, interpretation, philosophy etc. INTps are in their element when involved with business, enterprise, commerce, industry, trade, financial institutions, church etc.

Another comparison will be between Dual-seeking functions. INTps are looking out for extroverted sensing (), INTjs are looking out for extroverted feeling (). Since both functions are the subconscious functions, they are likely to influence the subconscious choices. INTps would want to go power driven, moneymaking, sometimes risky places, whereas INTjs would prefer a happy, cheerful and exciting surrounding.

The last comparison - "Hidden agenda". This is what people hide from other people, because it is very sensitive area of one's psyche. If the main function is like a geometric cone firmly standing on its base, the hidden agenda is like the same cone standing on its tip that one is trying to balance. For INTjs their introverted sensing () is their nightmare. Introverted sensing is mainly about the body, its functions, sensory perceptions etc. The only way they can balance that cone is for them to be physically healthy and if this is not that important to you, you are most probably not INTj. INTps are also trying to balance this cone on its head when it comes to introverted feeling (). Introverted feeling is love, affection, morality etc. It is important for an INTp to be involved with someone, to have an object of affection, to like people. If this doesn't concern you, you are probably a type other than INTp.

So if after all this you are still not sure whether you are INTj or INTp, maybe you are neither...

From:  http://forums.intpcentral.com/showthread.php?18032-INTj-vs-INTp-article

Write a Story

I have decided that i need to write a Lovecraftian story about Tesla saving humanity from an otherworldly evil, with the power of electricity.  I think Edison can be the cult leader... seems fitting... and suitably dark...

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” 

 ~Bob Marley

The Girl With the Clockwork Heart

THE GIRL WITH THE CLOCKWORK HEART • by C.L. Holland

Once upon a time there was a girl whose heart had broken from grief. Such was the pain of her broken heart that she went to a kindly watchmaker and asked him to make her a new one out of clockwork.

“For if I had a clockwork heart, I need only replace the faulty cog or gear and never fear a broken heart again.”

“But hearts mend, with time,” he said. “I should know, for time is my business.”

“With a clockwork heart I needn’t wait,” the girl replied. “So I’d rather have a new heart, if you don’t mind.”

The watchmaker did mind, for secretly he loved the girl and if she had a clockwork heart she could never love him back. Still, he made her a new heart anyway, because it was what she wanted, although it saddened him to do so.

For a time the girl was happy. Her new heart worked better than the old one, and she could no longer feel the pain of her grief. But because her heart was clockwork she became cold and selfish, and all the people in her life began to drift away like clouds in the wind.

Because her heart was made of clockwork, she didn’t care.

After a time one of the cogs broke and she returned to the watchmaker.

“Will you replace the broken piece of my heart?” she asked him.

“Wouldn’t you rather have your old heart back?” he replied.

“Why would I want it?” the girl asked. So the watchmaker replaced the cog, although it broke his heart a little to do so.

The girl went back to her life, and after a time she began to miss the company of others. She tried to make new friends, but because her heart was made of clockwork they found her strange and distant, and drew away.

When the spring in her heart broke, she returned to the watchmaker for him to fix it.

“Wouldn’t you rather have your own heart back?” he asked her again. “It must be nearly mended by now.”

“Nearly mended is still broken,” she replied. “And I have no need of a broken heart.”

So the watchmaker replaced the spring, although it broke his heart to do so.

Time passed, and the girl realized she was not content. Everyone around her had a life full of laughter and friendship and love. After a time she went to them and asked how it was they had these things and she didn’t.

“Why, because you have a clockwork heart,” they said. “How can you expect to feel love and joy when you won’t let yourself feel pain and sorrow? A coin must have two sides.”

The girl realised they were right and went back to the watchmaker.

“What do you want?” he asked coldly.

“I would like my old heart back, please,” she said. “It must be mended by now, and in any case it’s better than a heart made of clockwork.”

The watchmaker did as she asked, and when her old heart was in place she finally understood why he had been reluctant and yet done as she requested.

“Are you in love with me?” she asked, surprised.

“I was,” the watchmaker replied. “But doing as you asked broke my heart until finally it snapped in two.
Now my heart is made of clockwork and I need never fear a broken heart again.”

The girl’s heart broke all over again, for now that she could finally love the watchmaker he couldn’t love her back.

Seeing her pain, he asked, “Do you want your clockwork heart back?”

“Broken hearts mend with time,” she said. “So I have no need of a clockwork heart.”

“As you wish,” the watchmaker replied. “For I am quite content with mine.”

Once upon a time there was a girl whose heart had broken from grief. She may not have lived happily ever after, but at least her heart was not made of clockwork.

Type Four and Six Relationship

Enneagram Type Four (the Individualist)
with
Enneagram Type Six (the Loyalist)

What Each Type Brings to the Relationship

Both Enneagram Fours and Sixes, have many natural affinities for each other, especially since both are highly emotional and often feel insecure around people. Both tend to strong, immediate feelings and to act on their unconscious hunches or intuitions. Sixes often misidentify themselves initially as Fours because of the traits that they actually have in common. These very traits can also be ones that they bring to the relationship, enabling them to have an unusual degree of empathy and tolerance for each other. In short, Fours and Sixes can bring to each other the feeling that they are kindred souls, connected by their feelings of abandonment and a certain distrust of others. They may feel like "orphans in the storm" who offer mutual support and reassurance. Rather than energize each other, when they are healthy, Fours and Sixes tend to support and stabilize each other, usually acting as a sounding board for worries and complaints that they feel they cannot air anywhere else.
Fours bring sensitivity, sensuality, and the ability to express emotions openly, including the feelings that Sixes themselves do not know how to express. Fours talk about their inner lives—again, something that Sixes often need to learn. Sixes bring hard work, perseverance, practicality, loyalty, and concern with security to the relationship. They are also often warm and unpredictably playful and able to break through whatever gloom and self-absorption Fours may periodically fall into. Fours give Sixes the sense that they are needed—helping to give Sixes more confidence in their ability to cope with things. Sixes like being practical and they often provide Fours with a platform of some kind to develop their creativity as well as the time and support they may need to work through their emotional issues. This combination creates steadiness and daring, balance and the ability to fill in the gaps for each other both in their own development and in practical affairs.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

As noted above, both Fours and Sixes have issues with feelings of abandonment. Both types in the lower Levels tend to be emotionally reactive, critical of others, pessimistic, and can feel overwhelmed. While they may not often talk about it, they may test each other in various ways in an attempt to discover how loyal the other will be to them. Both types may also begin to subtly withdraw attention and affection from the other as a way of defending against the hurt of potential abandonment, should it occur. But in this, both types have a tendency to create a self-fulfilling prophesy in which their fears and reactions bring about the very thing they are consciously trying to avoid. Both types can become codependent, and their reliance on each other may not result in development for either: Fours do not automatically become more practical, and Sixes do not become more insightful about themselves.
Another potential trouble spot for Fours and Sixes lies in the area of change and tolerance for change. Generally, Fours are more interested in self-exploration and self-development and they tend to be more adventuresome in their tastes and in what they allow themselves to think and to experience. Sixes tend to be more conservative and resistant to change and to personal exploration, making for potential conflict with Fours, who may feel that Sixes are holding them back and stifling their creativity and development. Both can be pessimistic and self-doubting, gloomy and mistrustful of others. The complaint that Fours typically have about Sixes is that they are not free-spirited and romantic enough, whereas the complaint of Sixes about Fours is that they are too undependable and act too much on whims and are not emotionally stable enough. Both types are reactive and conflicts can escalate quickly: misunderstandings can lead to projections and massive over-reactions.

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Wow... it's like they have been spying on us.  Crazy accurate.

Enneagram Type Four: The Individualist

The Enneagram Blogspot

"Creatures of emotional extremes, enneagram type 4s are awash in a stormy sea of emotions. They are all about relationships and seem to be always beginning, ending, or analyzing relationships. They feel frustrated in their search for connection to others. As children, they didn’t feel like the parents really understood them or were there for them emotionally. Whether or not this was really true is beside the point. They feel like they were born into the wrong family and continue to seek out people who will nurture them, mirror them, and rescue them from their suffering."

"People of Enneatype Four construct their identities around their perception of themselves as being somehow unique and fundamentally different from others. This deep felt sense of being “different from” or “other than” pervades the Four’s sense of self, and functions as the basis for the Four’s attempt to create a persona that properly reflects who they feel they really are. Fours are not content (or even able) to live out the role assigned them by their societies or their families; they self-consciously search for an expression they feel will be truly authentic. Of all the types, Fours are the most acutely aware that the persona is a construct – something which has been created and can thus be re-created. This is indeed the fundamental respect in which Fours are artists; they may or may not be artists in the conventional sense of the term, but all Fours have a sense that their identities are, in some respect, their own creation."

 I have always felt that who I am is very subjective.  The me, as I view myself, can change from day to day, season to season, even moment to moment.  The joy I feel is stronger than other people's joy.  The pain I feel must be that much stronger.  One of my favorite quotes is from Daffy Duck, "I can’t stand pain, it hurts me!"  It is too easy to get lost in my own fantasy realm of emotions; joy, pain, loss, emptiness.  Notice that the negative frequently outweighs the positive.

I type as a 4 with a 5 wing (4w5).  Described as the following:

"Healthy side of this wing brings a withdrawn, complex creativity. May be somewhat intellectual but have exceptional depth of feeling and insight. Very much their own person; original and idiosyncratic. Have a spiritual and aesthetic openness. Will find multiple levels of meaning to most events. May have a strong need and ability to pour themselves into artistic creations. Loners; can seem enigmatic and hard to read. Externally reserved and internally resonant. When they open up it can be sudden and total. When entranced or defensive, Fours with a 5 wing can easily feel alienated and depressed. Many have a sense of not belonging, of being from another planet. Can get lost in their own process, drown in their own ocean. Whiny - tend to ruminate and relive past experience. Prone to the emotion of shame. Air of sullen, withdrawn disappointment. May live within a private mythology of pain and loss. Can get deeply morbid and fall in love with death."

 I analyze to the point of stagnation and immovability.  My desire to acquire knowledge extends to my own internal turmoil and I find it easy to become lost in my own personal melancholy.  To break this cycle of mental-lock-down, requires taking a step back from how I am feeling and acknowledge that I am NOT my emotions.  Emotions provide a lens for viewing reality, but do not dictate my reality. 

Enneagram Institute

Riso & Hudson provide the following levels of personal development, specific to 4s.

Healthy Levels

Level 1 (At Their Best): Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating: able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.
Level 2: Self-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate.
Level 3: Highly personal, individualistic, "true to self." Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong.

Average Levels

Level 4: Take an artistic, romantic orientation to life, creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings. Heighten reality through fantasy, passionate feelings, and the imagination.
Level 5: To stay in touch with feelings, they interiorize everything, taking everything personally, but become self-absorbed and introverted, moody and hypersensitive, shy and self-conscious, unable to be spontaneous or to "get out of themselves." Stay withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings.
Level 6: Gradually think that they are different from others, and feel that they are exempt from living as everyone else does. They become melancholy dreamers, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy of others leads to self-indulgence, and to becoming increasingly impractical, unproductive, effete, and precious.

Unhealthy Levels

Level 7: When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of self, fatigued and unable to function.
Level 8: Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts: everything is a source of torment. Blaming others, they drive away anyone who tries to help them.
Level 9: Despairing, feel hopeless and become self-destructive, possibly abusing alcohol or drugs to escape. In the extreme: emotional breakdown or suicide is likely. Generally corresponds to the Avoidant, Depressive, and Narcissistic personality disorders. 

Maintaining a healthy mental state requires allowing my emotions to surface, examining their direction and intensity, and then accepting the conclusions that can be drawn from my experiences.  This provides a healthy feedback system that enables me to maintain a sense of purpose and clarity.  Am I on the right path?  Is what I am doing making me happy?  At all times, I must refrain from allowing my fantasy world from overtaking reality.  Obsession and over-analysis result in a negative feedback loop that shuts down all rational thought.

Integration (Self Realization and Productivity)

"As Fours become more aware of their tendency to brood and to fantasize about their many hurts and disappointments, they also become aware of the cost to themselves of this way of being. As they relax and accept themselves more deeply, they gradually become free of their constant emotional turbulence and their need to maintain emotional crises or to indulge themselves as a consolation prize for not fulfilling their potential. Gradually and naturally, they become more objective, grounded, and practical, like healthy Ones. They also become more realistic and able to operate in the real world. Without imposing harsh disciplines or expectations on themselves, integrating Fours want to become involved in matters beyond themselves, such as in community work, politics, the environment, or in other worthwhile ways to engage their minds and hearts. On some level, they choose no longer to indulge themselves but to live within the constraints of reality. When they do so, they find the payoffs and the pleasures—and their creativity—are deeper and much more fulfilling."

At my most productive, my type shifts to resemble that of Type 1.  Objective, practical, realistic and capable of operating in the real world.  I find it interesting that my personality type gravitates to those who have personality traits that I envy or desire, and my partner is a type 1.  Obviously, my subconscious knew something I did not.  It would seem imperative that I continually strive to break the cycle of emotional over-analysis.  Reality does not change because I have an anxiety attack over an imagined insult or slight.  Even legitimate criticism should be met with logic and reason.  Did I fail in my obligations?  Am I capable of improving my performance?

"Fours grow by recognizing that while the hurts and losses of the past were real enough, there is no need to keep revisiting them in the imagination. On the contrary, doing so keeps drawing them out of the richness and depth of the present moment—the one time and place in which their real feelings and their true identity can be found. Fours need to see how working up their feelings actually moves them further away from their most authentic self and their truest self expression."