I am alone. New place... new job... no friends... no family. It is a lot like the Army... but excruciatingly different. The Army told me where to go, when to eat, when to sleep. Here I am free to do basically anything I want... outside of work.
So... what am I doing? Working, eating, and sleeping. Punctuated with some working out... and some netflixed Dr. Who. I sleep a lot. I have housemates... I have coworkers. I have friends on internet forums and in text messages. Why do I still feel so bloody lonely? It isnt a depressed kind of lonely... it's just an emptiness.
I have tons of free time for hobbies... yet nothing sounds appealing. I could paint... if I had my tools. I could probably scrounge up materials and build a raised bed garden with just things in the backyard. I am working on handstands. Yet nothing feels right.
Everything is quiet. I turn off the TV... housemates turn it on even when they are not in the same room. I have never understood the need for background noise. I sleep with music on again... I haven't done that since K and I started living together. Sleeping alone is weird... it's different than sleeping in another room... or sleeping on the floor. This is a whole different type of alone. No one makes demands on my time. Even work is sort of at-my-own pace. I do things fast just because I enjoy the efficiency of the process...
I have had many cases of deja vu since coming here. And not just that weird prickly sensation, but full on "memories," of things I haven't seen yet. That sort of prescience does bother me when it happens. My understanding of space-time doesn't sit well when things happen out of order. Things may not be truly linear... but I prefer it when they move that way. My dreams are more vivid... that could be the cold and the omega-3s I take before bed. Sleeping with the window open and the heating vents closed has been nice.
My mind is absorbing everything. I am remembering incredible details... patterns in rocks and trees... strings of numbers... faces... names... cloud formations. Interesting how much of that was lost in the chaos of the last few years. I am remembering what it was like... I'm not sure now which I prefer. I miss my routines. I miss being needed. I don't miss being ignored... or put aside. I exist... that is enough I suppose.
This rambling is a distraction. I can pretend for a moment that I have someone to share these things with. I am not sure why that is important. My thoughts exist for the moment, but then transition to something new... Oh Look... Shiny. *sigh* I cannot imagine how that could be appealing for someone else. That is not meant to sound emo... more to the point... what purpose do such thoughts hold if I have no plans or goals. I am distracted by life... I suppose that is living in the moment. I am more zen than at any other time in my life, yet there is a lack of substance, that I feel I need.
Poser likes to talk about disassociation and detachment. Why? Where is the purpose in that? If your goal is to detach from reality and individual thought, how does that serve the purpose of the universe? If you buy into the idea of universal consciousness, the god-mind, or even condensed wavelengths of energy slowed to the point of becoming matter... then why not use these moments we have to explore, learn, grow your consciousness? How can you accomplish that if all you ever do is try to detach from reality? I do not want to detach myself. I want to make connections... with people, things, nature. I enjoy finding those ley lines and nodes that draw us together.
No comments:
Post a Comment