Love... Part 1

I am a Myers-Briggs type INTP... I am an eneagram type 4w5... this isnt exactly a normal combo... relevant stats I have seen put this at about 1.5% of INTPs.

I'm weird... even among a minority personality type.

I am introverted and a thinker... but also a people pleaser.  I am almost OCD when it comes to taking care of other people... the way someone likes their coffee... their favorite drink... even the way some people like to have their clothes folded. 

You would think... that this would mean I have had a lot of successful relationships.  Yet, I have been married twice (divorced twice now)... and really only had three other long term relationships.  Why?  I know... in a lot of ways... I am directly responsible... either I ended things... or I did something that I knew would end the relationship.

I am going to review the basics... because I am looking for a pattern... or at least something that makes some sort of sense to me.

(pre sex)

Des - I had a crush on Desiree for many years.  She was my step-sister's best friend... cute, but not hot.  She was a bitch... but on more than one occasion she gave me some sort of special attention that really made me think there was something mutual there.  Who knows.  Nothing ever happened.  She really jumped from one bad relationship to another... sometimes trading off with Kristi (who we will get to later)... dating the same boy... or one dumping him only to let the other one pick him up.  Bitchy, controlling girl behavior actually.  But at the time... I had delusions that I would be somehow different.

Did I love her?  No.  It was a kid's crush.

(first time)

Tanya - Part-time lesbian friend of a friend (Ex-girlfriend of Des actually). She surprised me one night, she stayed over at my house, friends with my Step-sister.  I woke up to her naked... lying next to me... asking if I had ever done this before.  It was never a real relationship... but there was a lot of sex... which is great when you are 17.  On the plus side... You can learn an awful lot about how to please a woman from a lesbian.  Downsides... pathological liar.  Really.  Weird shit too... you could know exactly what happened... try to correct her... but she would act like you were crazy for not remembering it how she did.

Did I love her?  No... it was an education... not even any real affection.

Mona - Friend of Tanya (ok... I do see a pattern here).  No intercourse... lots of kissing, fondling, teasing talk.  She was a virgin... and I did not feel confident enough to take things further.  Very outspoken... mentioned threesomes with myself and Ian, yet neither of us ever decided it was worth it.  She lost her virginity to Jimmy (my 2nd ex-wife's current boyfriend... *sigh*).  Strangely enough... once, after a night of frustratingly not having sex with the red head in my bed... I fucked Tanya by the pool... because I was too horny to sleep.

Did I love her?  No... part of why I could not have sex... did not seem "right"

Kim - Friend of Kristi (yes... same Kristi).  Weird mix of crap... she was fun... and crazy... she told me she was a virgin... she even bled after we had sex the first time.  But, as the story is told  by Kristi, she had lost her virginity the summer before to a friend of theirs.  Not sure who to believe.  It was neither fun... or as interesting as it should have been... that old saying "Crazy in the head, crazy in bed," did NOT apply.  She did later try to stab me with a knife... and also dated one of Kristi's best friends... as well as got into a fist fight with Kristi over the musical Oklahoma.  Mixed bag of crazy... she was on meds... who really knows what... she was a foster kid... with a weird past... way too into dressing up and role playing games.  Probably had Dis-associative Identity Disorder, based on how often she would change 'faces.'

Did I love her?  No... in a lot of ways... I feel like I never knew who she really was.

Angela J - Friend of a friend. Started dating... not even sure how.  Had sex once... everything got weird really fast.  I ended things because she was just too... intense.  Definitely a virgin... but I did not know that at the time. I liked her because she was a free-spirit.  She would bury her shoes just to walk barefoot... she ran around in the woods, just because.  She was fun... and later there would be a weird mix of flirting, fondling, and even violence on a boat.  In a strange way... I saw a kindred soul... but there was always a spark of something missing... Later on... she would marry Ian, but they never lived together and eventually annulled the marriage.

Did I love her? No... the connection was never there.  Things moved too fast.

Colby - Best friend for two years.  She lived with my family for a while.  I visited her in Oregon for a month.  All that time... nothing ever happened.  Then... one day... we drank whiskey and had sex.  It was not what I expected... she was strangely non-responsive and cold.  It was never really dating... we kept it quiet.  Tried again a few more times... but it never seemed right.  She lived with Kristi for a while... they were inseparable. Colby was in love... Kristi wasn't.  I don't know if either of them ever considered it a proper relationship.

Did I love her?  Yes.  I knew everything about her.  She was my best friend for years.  After the sex... it was never the same.

Sara - Gothy friend... dated my friend Josh.  I managed to be more interesting... and broke them up.  Still not sure of I did that on purpose or not.  She was feisty.  Had sex at an age that most would consider to be child abuse... but strangely... with her... it just seemed normal.  Not me mind you...  by the time we hooked up she had been active for five years... me... just one year.  I liked her... this was the first relationship I considered to be something real.  My first long term relationship... full of ups and downs.  Cheated on her with Colby once... early on. We moved past that fairly well.  We stayed together for months... we traveled to So.Cal to visit her family one Christmas.  I broke up with her the week after we came home.  Why?  I was turning 18... and interested in exploring my sexuality (whatever that means)... despite the fishnets, short dresses, and early sexual exploits... she was too vanilla... and I wanted something different.  I'm not proud of myself for that... I was just young and selfish.

Did I love her?  Yes.  First real relationship.  First purely romantic love... it is still kind of sweet in my memory.

Robyn - Here is where things get messy and hard to explain.  I met Robyn, my first ex-wife, on AOL.  Yay for chat rooms... first vampires... then private sex chats.  She was vivacious... and exciting... really played to my need for attention.  Plus... she looked a lot like Kristi.  Oh... is that surprising?  I guess I should have mentioned that.  I will explain that in detail later.

She was an adult orphan.  Exactly six months older than me.  We had a weird chemistry... opposites in so many ways.  She came to visit... and just kind of moved in.  The sex was amazing... finally... "crazy in the head = crazy in bed!"  There was chaos... and drama... a pregnancy... a major fight... she moved to New Hampshire.  There was weirdness... there was Sara in a bikini... stripping in front of me.  There was Robyn and Kristi becoming good friends.

That summer was a mess... I got my first job... Robyn and I went on the Ricki Lake Show.  We had sex in New York City... I took a bus across the country to bring her back.  All this... in a very mixed up timeline... culminating in my first son being born in So.Cal... and me bringing the two of them back to live with me in Redding.  Later... there would be a costumed Halloween wedding.

The chaos never stopped.  I worked my ass off... first working stupid long hours at a gas station... later adding on delivering papers and working at the gas station.... 15 hour days.  Then... working at Target.  We fought... constantly... about stupid, kid stuff.  Strangely... we had our second son... because we thought it would help us find some peace... it didn't.  I finally realized how bad it was... scratches, bruises, one coffee table thrown at me, then the last straw... a glass plate and a broken framed picture shattering glass around my feet... my two kids playing on the floor... she did not even stop to acknowledge the glass around her babies.  I left that night... took the kids to my parent's house.  It was over for me that night... but it took a while to get a divorce.  She moved on faster than I did... a new guy was in the house three months later... they are still married.  Go figure.

Did I love her?  Yes.  Can I explain it?  Nope.  She was not a bad person... she had her issues... we were NOT good together.  But, there was passion... it was intense... and we made two smart kids. 

Been A While

Chaos... That is how I would describe the last year+ of my life.

A year ago... my marriage was already over... I just refused to recognize it.  I was living with a stranger... who wore my dead wife's face and spoke with the voice of a ghost.  I believed her when she would make promises or pretend things would get better.  All the while... she had a boyfriend... and continued to meet others.

Looking back... I knew something was wrong.  I should have trusted my gut.  I should have made her leave.  I had a decent job... I was already watching the kids from the time I finished work to the time they went to bed.  I was even helping her with homework.  I did her online History class for her... and when she crashed and refused to complete her Sociology of Television class... I finished her last two projects for her.  What was I thinking?  Why did I cling to a love that was obviously gone?

Then came the move... her Aunt kicked us out of the house we rented from her... did I mention that psychosis runs in the matrilineal line?  This was right at Christmas.  We were broke.  We somehow managed to get the kids presents... despite all of the student loan money she took out disappearing.  Jeans, makeup, etc.  That makes me angry too... but I can let that go.  She got so angry with me... because I did not have anything to fill her stocking with.  What?  Really?  After a month of scrounging cash so we could afford a deposit and put presents under the tree for the kids?  How could someone be so selfish as to be angry at not having a stocking.  I did not expect anything.  It didn't matter.  What mattered was being together... and making the kids smile.

Then came this summer.  I came home... she was gone.  I read through her emails... and her text messages.  She saved them all in SMS.  Invasion of privacy?  Yes. Warranted... after the year I had... and coming home to an empty house... and no kids... yes.

What I discovered shocked me.  My suspicions of her behavior were all true.  Even from November to December, when we were "trying to work on our marriage."  She was meeting people online.  She was sending out photos.  She was arranging threesomes in our new house... right BEFORE Christmas.  She can claim that I ruined the marriage.  There is probably a lot of truth there.  It was full of lies and failures from the start.  I am not proud of my behavior... and I regret not doing more to take care of my family.  But, I was never unfaithful.  I never lied about meeting people to have sex... or get mad at her for ruining her Christmas while she planned to have sex with people in a house we had not even moved into yet.

She hates me.  I understand that.  I do not understand the why.  Thing is... I no longer care.  I see the pattern in her behavior... with her first husband... with me... with her next boyfriend... and the current boyfriend.  She is afraid of being alone.  She is afraid of growing old.  She is intelligent... but doubts her own abilities.  Her parents did that to her.  They created someone with so much potential, then broke her.  I hate them for that.  She may say she forgives them... but she doesn't know how to forgive.  She tolerates them... because they are family. 

I loved someone special.  She did not come with an instruction manual... and some of the functions were damaged in shipping.  I made things worse.  We spoke different languages... had different priorities.  I will never hate her.  But right now... I do not like her.  We no longer talk... that is good.  It was painful to hear her voice.  We no longer text... that is good.  She never has anything nice to say.  We communicate through email... and even that... I am always the villain.

Right now... I should be finalizing some of the paperwork for the divorce.  I just don't care.  It will get done.  I am just not willing to work on her timetable.  Petty... maybe... really I am just not interested.  We signed an agreement for custody and visitation.  Already I feel that she will just make things inconvenient for me until I just go away.

For once... I am happy.  Her negativity... her lies... all of that is removed from my life.  I am still exposed to it... and if I want a place in my children's lives I have to re immerse myself in it from time to time.  But I have discovered real friends... people who care about me.  People I care about in turn.  I have found a new relationship... something that seems a bit too happy to be true... but I have never felt the need to be anything but myself with this person.