Healthy Boundaries

Examples of poor boundary control:

A poor sense or disregard of personal space—not sensing or knowing how physically close you should be in relation to another Disregarding your personal values in order to please others knowing how physically close you should be in relation to another Ignoring another person’s display of poor boundaries or invasion of your boundaries Sharing too much personal information with someone you don’t know well Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don’t want

Falling in love with a new acquaintance Excessive giving or taking Obsessive thinking about another person Letting others describe you or your reality Acting on the first sexual impulse Expecting others to anticipate and fulfill your needs Being sexual for your partner and not yourself Manipulative behaviors, abusive behaviors, etc.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries:

 Addicts, especially while under the influence of their drug of choice, also tend to demonstrate a lack of boundaries. Many of their sensibilities and sensitivities become increasingly blunted or impaired, and they are likely to become incapable of knowing the true needs and desires of another. Many of us in recovery find that certain therapeutic tools, recovery activities, and spiritual pursuits aid us in establishing or restoring healthy boundaries. As important as this is, it’s equally important to learn and practice healthy styles of communication. Even the closest or healthiest relationships require that clear, verbal boundaries be expressed from time to time. Leaving boundaries simply to assumption in a relationship is not always sufficient. Sometimes a boundary can be as simple as saying “No,” which is a complete communication of its own. At other times, some elaboration is needed. It is important to note that a boundary is not a threat. Threats are antiquated, fear-motivated behaviors directed toward changing or ‘fixing’ another person—another myth of codependence. Such behaviors can only backfire in unpleasant or hurtful ways for both parties. A clean, healthy boundary is a way to inform others as to how you wish to be treated, respected, and loved.

At Sierra Tucson and certain other treatment facilities, the following verbal boundary format is taught and practiced: “If you (behavior), I’ll share my feelings with you. If you continue, I’ll (action) to take care of myself.” The first sentence in this format is the assertion of your right or healthy decision to confront unacceptable behaviors in another. Failure to confront such behaviors may be seen as “enabling,” or giving another person tacit approval to disrespect or abuse you. Enabling behaviors are driven by the fear of rejection, in some form. A clean confrontation to address unacceptable behavior would be: “When you (behavior), like the time (example), I felt (core feelings).” Notice that this is based simply upon reporting your perception of another’s behavior, and your core feelings associated with it. Then, a big PERIOD follows, keeping the communication free of judgment, opinion, shoulds, over-explaining, or lecturing. (It is important to note that the feelings are preceded by “I felt…,” not, “You made me feel…,” the latter having highly codependent implications.) As with boundaries, the spirit of such a confrontation is to “let the chips fall where they may” versus being invested in a certain outcome pertaining to the other’s behavior. The expectation of a certain outcome is likely to be a form of manipulation—another mutually destructive, codependent behavior. The second sentence of the boundary format is intended to inform (not to punish or threaten) the other of your intended response to their unacceptable behavior if it continues. Whichever action you choose, be sure that it will be sufficient in taking care of yourself in such a situation and that it’s an action you are willing to commit to, so that your words have meaning. It is also important to select a “minimum muscle” approach to the action statement of a boundary, as, once again, it is not intended as a threat. The phrase “to take care of myself” is included to make the entire communication very explicit as to its purpose. Example: “If you raise your voice angrily on the telephone with me, I’ll share my feelings with you. If you continue, I’ll hang up and not wish to speak with you for two days, to take care of myself.” Notice that a timeframe is included in the second sentence—two days in this case. Two days might be adequate for taking care of yourself in such an instance, and the other person is unlikely to get the message that the relationship has ended. If the person repeats the behavior, you may wish to repeat the boundary once or twice, raising the ante of the action each time to help them understand, not to punish.

If the person continues to disrespect your boundary, a word for that would be “abuse,” and that’s when it’s important to remember that no one is served when you allow that part of Spirit that you are to be abused or victimized. That’s why your Higher Power gave you those appendages at the end of your legs that make you portable! So, within the scope of boundaries, one may allow for deeper and safer intimacy in a relationship or clarify when it may be time to end a relationship, or something between these polarities.

From the INTP Guide to Better Living

• from the time you're old enough to grasp this concept, focus on what makes you happy and start figuring out a way to make money with it in the world.
• play many sports and games (they are good for the mind and personal development, and the team sports for social skills), especially golf and billiards. golf will show you about yourself. most of the attributes needed to be good at golf (discipline, patience, confidence, analyzation skills, creativity) are the same ones that will help you in life - there are no shortcuts in golf. billiards will help you develop the same attributes, especially confidence. you just won't meet a good pool player who isn't confident.
• beware of people who don't trust anybody. they think everyone is like them.
• develop your artistic side in whatever way. few things are more pleasing than your own ability to create something beautiful.
• this is for all, but especially for INTP's, be good at many things, but become an expert in at least one. the individuals in the world that are in demand are the ones that can do something that others can't; or at least do it better.
• just be brave. learn early on that rejection isn't the end of the world and if you put yourself out there, you'll have success more often than failure. this goes for trying new things as well as going after that special someone. not even taking a chance is an automatic failure, and actual failure or rejection is never as bad or long lasting as what we imagine in our minds.
• very early on, learn to understand people's motivations. there are countless things you can do with the knowledge of 'why people do what they do'.
• learn how to be honest with your feelings and get comfortable telling those that are important to you how you feel about them. they want to know. the other side of the coin says make sure you actually know what you're feeling. if one person seems like the beginning and the end to you and all would be lost without them, you probably need a hobby.

INTj or INTp Article

INTj or INTp?
by Sergei Ganin

INTjs and INTps can have very similar behavior, interests and even appearance. However, when it comes to intertype relations there is a big difference between these two, because one's Dual is the other's Conflicting type. Also, two INTjs or two INTps can co-exist quite peacefully, whereas an INTj and an INTp do not make a very promising combination. Join any INTj discussion forum or mailing list and you can see this Quasi-identical tension for yourself. This is because there are many INTps among those INTjs.

Why do INTps test as INTjs? Because it is possible that some INTps actually do behave in such way that they could be mistaken for Judging types. The common perception of Perceiving types is as disorganized, unreliable and wavering. There are INTps out there that are, on the contrary, organized, reliable and unwavering or at least they may behave as such. As a result they often score as Js. But let's not forget that type is not about how you behave, it is about how your psyche is structured, which in return influences your behavior in one way or another. Taking more tests or reading more type descriptions may not give an answer to the INTj/INTp question for the reasons explained above. The right way to distinguish between these two types is by making a comparison on a "molecular" level.

Let's take a look at INTj's main function - introverted thinking (). INTjs are mainly interested in accumulating an understanding. They want to know why and what causes things happen the way they happen. They want to know and see the logic behind everything. If "it" does not contradict logic then "it" is right, otherwise "it" is wrong. INTps on the other hand seem to be logical too as their second strong function is extroverted thinking (). However, if for INTjs it is about gaining understanding, for INTps it is about exercising their knowledge, and therefore they mostly concern themselves with known facts. Moreover, INTj's logic is their area of confidence and conservatism. This makes their logic fundamental, meaning once the rules are established, they can be applied anywhere. INTps logic is their area of creativity. This makes their logic circumstantial and unpredictable - the rules apply here but may not apply there.

The same goes for Intuition. INTp's main function is introverted intuition (). Since introverted intuition is about internal wholeness or belief, this manifests itself in INTps being highly religious and spiritual people. It is also their area of confidence and conservatism and they will not welcome anything that could disturb that internal wholeness. And since you can believe in things that are not necessarily there or actually true, INTps criticize a lot. As for INTjs, their intuition is their second strong function, which is extroverted intuition (). Extroverted intuition is about perspective and potential and because it is INTj's creative output, their "creations" could be very unexpected and original, often bearing a high potential for future development. So, combining two and two together, INTjs are in their element when involved with science, invention, innovation, discovery, theory, explanation, interpretation, philosophy etc. INTps are in their element when involved with business, enterprise, commerce, industry, trade, financial institutions, church etc.

Another comparison will be between Dual-seeking functions. INTps are looking out for extroverted sensing (), INTjs are looking out for extroverted feeling (). Since both functions are the subconscious functions, they are likely to influence the subconscious choices. INTps would want to go power driven, moneymaking, sometimes risky places, whereas INTjs would prefer a happy, cheerful and exciting surrounding.

The last comparison - "Hidden agenda". This is what people hide from other people, because it is very sensitive area of one's psyche. If the main function is like a geometric cone firmly standing on its base, the hidden agenda is like the same cone standing on its tip that one is trying to balance. For INTjs their introverted sensing () is their nightmare. Introverted sensing is mainly about the body, its functions, sensory perceptions etc. The only way they can balance that cone is for them to be physically healthy and if this is not that important to you, you are most probably not INTj. INTps are also trying to balance this cone on its head when it comes to introverted feeling (). Introverted feeling is love, affection, morality etc. It is important for an INTp to be involved with someone, to have an object of affection, to like people. If this doesn't concern you, you are probably a type other than INTp.

So if after all this you are still not sure whether you are INTj or INTp, maybe you are neither...

From:  http://forums.intpcentral.com/showthread.php?18032-INTj-vs-INTp-article

Write a Story

I have decided that i need to write a Lovecraftian story about Tesla saving humanity from an otherworldly evil, with the power of electricity.  I think Edison can be the cult leader... seems fitting... and suitably dark...

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” 

 ~Bob Marley

The Girl With the Clockwork Heart

THE GIRL WITH THE CLOCKWORK HEART • by C.L. Holland

Once upon a time there was a girl whose heart had broken from grief. Such was the pain of her broken heart that she went to a kindly watchmaker and asked him to make her a new one out of clockwork.

“For if I had a clockwork heart, I need only replace the faulty cog or gear and never fear a broken heart again.”

“But hearts mend, with time,” he said. “I should know, for time is my business.”

“With a clockwork heart I needn’t wait,” the girl replied. “So I’d rather have a new heart, if you don’t mind.”

The watchmaker did mind, for secretly he loved the girl and if she had a clockwork heart she could never love him back. Still, he made her a new heart anyway, because it was what she wanted, although it saddened him to do so.

For a time the girl was happy. Her new heart worked better than the old one, and she could no longer feel the pain of her grief. But because her heart was clockwork she became cold and selfish, and all the people in her life began to drift away like clouds in the wind.

Because her heart was made of clockwork, she didn’t care.

After a time one of the cogs broke and she returned to the watchmaker.

“Will you replace the broken piece of my heart?” she asked him.

“Wouldn’t you rather have your old heart back?” he replied.

“Why would I want it?” the girl asked. So the watchmaker replaced the cog, although it broke his heart a little to do so.

The girl went back to her life, and after a time she began to miss the company of others. She tried to make new friends, but because her heart was made of clockwork they found her strange and distant, and drew away.

When the spring in her heart broke, she returned to the watchmaker for him to fix it.

“Wouldn’t you rather have your own heart back?” he asked her again. “It must be nearly mended by now.”

“Nearly mended is still broken,” she replied. “And I have no need of a broken heart.”

So the watchmaker replaced the spring, although it broke his heart to do so.

Time passed, and the girl realized she was not content. Everyone around her had a life full of laughter and friendship and love. After a time she went to them and asked how it was they had these things and she didn’t.

“Why, because you have a clockwork heart,” they said. “How can you expect to feel love and joy when you won’t let yourself feel pain and sorrow? A coin must have two sides.”

The girl realised they were right and went back to the watchmaker.

“What do you want?” he asked coldly.

“I would like my old heart back, please,” she said. “It must be mended by now, and in any case it’s better than a heart made of clockwork.”

The watchmaker did as she asked, and when her old heart was in place she finally understood why he had been reluctant and yet done as she requested.

“Are you in love with me?” she asked, surprised.

“I was,” the watchmaker replied. “But doing as you asked broke my heart until finally it snapped in two.
Now my heart is made of clockwork and I need never fear a broken heart again.”

The girl’s heart broke all over again, for now that she could finally love the watchmaker he couldn’t love her back.

Seeing her pain, he asked, “Do you want your clockwork heart back?”

“Broken hearts mend with time,” she said. “So I have no need of a clockwork heart.”

“As you wish,” the watchmaker replied. “For I am quite content with mine.”

Once upon a time there was a girl whose heart had broken from grief. She may not have lived happily ever after, but at least her heart was not made of clockwork.

Type Four and Six Relationship

Enneagram Type Four (the Individualist)
with
Enneagram Type Six (the Loyalist)

What Each Type Brings to the Relationship

Both Enneagram Fours and Sixes, have many natural affinities for each other, especially since both are highly emotional and often feel insecure around people. Both tend to strong, immediate feelings and to act on their unconscious hunches or intuitions. Sixes often misidentify themselves initially as Fours because of the traits that they actually have in common. These very traits can also be ones that they bring to the relationship, enabling them to have an unusual degree of empathy and tolerance for each other. In short, Fours and Sixes can bring to each other the feeling that they are kindred souls, connected by their feelings of abandonment and a certain distrust of others. They may feel like "orphans in the storm" who offer mutual support and reassurance. Rather than energize each other, when they are healthy, Fours and Sixes tend to support and stabilize each other, usually acting as a sounding board for worries and complaints that they feel they cannot air anywhere else.
Fours bring sensitivity, sensuality, and the ability to express emotions openly, including the feelings that Sixes themselves do not know how to express. Fours talk about their inner lives—again, something that Sixes often need to learn. Sixes bring hard work, perseverance, practicality, loyalty, and concern with security to the relationship. They are also often warm and unpredictably playful and able to break through whatever gloom and self-absorption Fours may periodically fall into. Fours give Sixes the sense that they are needed—helping to give Sixes more confidence in their ability to cope with things. Sixes like being practical and they often provide Fours with a platform of some kind to develop their creativity as well as the time and support they may need to work through their emotional issues. This combination creates steadiness and daring, balance and the ability to fill in the gaps for each other both in their own development and in practical affairs.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

As noted above, both Fours and Sixes have issues with feelings of abandonment. Both types in the lower Levels tend to be emotionally reactive, critical of others, pessimistic, and can feel overwhelmed. While they may not often talk about it, they may test each other in various ways in an attempt to discover how loyal the other will be to them. Both types may also begin to subtly withdraw attention and affection from the other as a way of defending against the hurt of potential abandonment, should it occur. But in this, both types have a tendency to create a self-fulfilling prophesy in which their fears and reactions bring about the very thing they are consciously trying to avoid. Both types can become codependent, and their reliance on each other may not result in development for either: Fours do not automatically become more practical, and Sixes do not become more insightful about themselves.
Another potential trouble spot for Fours and Sixes lies in the area of change and tolerance for change. Generally, Fours are more interested in self-exploration and self-development and they tend to be more adventuresome in their tastes and in what they allow themselves to think and to experience. Sixes tend to be more conservative and resistant to change and to personal exploration, making for potential conflict with Fours, who may feel that Sixes are holding them back and stifling their creativity and development. Both can be pessimistic and self-doubting, gloomy and mistrustful of others. The complaint that Fours typically have about Sixes is that they are not free-spirited and romantic enough, whereas the complaint of Sixes about Fours is that they are too undependable and act too much on whims and are not emotionally stable enough. Both types are reactive and conflicts can escalate quickly: misunderstandings can lead to projections and massive over-reactions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wow... it's like they have been spying on us.  Crazy accurate.

Enneagram Type Four: The Individualist

The Enneagram Blogspot

"Creatures of emotional extremes, enneagram type 4s are awash in a stormy sea of emotions. They are all about relationships and seem to be always beginning, ending, or analyzing relationships. They feel frustrated in their search for connection to others. As children, they didn’t feel like the parents really understood them or were there for them emotionally. Whether or not this was really true is beside the point. They feel like they were born into the wrong family and continue to seek out people who will nurture them, mirror them, and rescue them from their suffering."

"People of Enneatype Four construct their identities around their perception of themselves as being somehow unique and fundamentally different from others. This deep felt sense of being “different from” or “other than” pervades the Four’s sense of self, and functions as the basis for the Four’s attempt to create a persona that properly reflects who they feel they really are. Fours are not content (or even able) to live out the role assigned them by their societies or their families; they self-consciously search for an expression they feel will be truly authentic. Of all the types, Fours are the most acutely aware that the persona is a construct – something which has been created and can thus be re-created. This is indeed the fundamental respect in which Fours are artists; they may or may not be artists in the conventional sense of the term, but all Fours have a sense that their identities are, in some respect, their own creation."

 I have always felt that who I am is very subjective.  The me, as I view myself, can change from day to day, season to season, even moment to moment.  The joy I feel is stronger than other people's joy.  The pain I feel must be that much stronger.  One of my favorite quotes is from Daffy Duck, "I can’t stand pain, it hurts me!"  It is too easy to get lost in my own fantasy realm of emotions; joy, pain, loss, emptiness.  Notice that the negative frequently outweighs the positive.

I type as a 4 with a 5 wing (4w5).  Described as the following:

"Healthy side of this wing brings a withdrawn, complex creativity. May be somewhat intellectual but have exceptional depth of feeling and insight. Very much their own person; original and idiosyncratic. Have a spiritual and aesthetic openness. Will find multiple levels of meaning to most events. May have a strong need and ability to pour themselves into artistic creations. Loners; can seem enigmatic and hard to read. Externally reserved and internally resonant. When they open up it can be sudden and total. When entranced or defensive, Fours with a 5 wing can easily feel alienated and depressed. Many have a sense of not belonging, of being from another planet. Can get lost in their own process, drown in their own ocean. Whiny - tend to ruminate and relive past experience. Prone to the emotion of shame. Air of sullen, withdrawn disappointment. May live within a private mythology of pain and loss. Can get deeply morbid and fall in love with death."

 I analyze to the point of stagnation and immovability.  My desire to acquire knowledge extends to my own internal turmoil and I find it easy to become lost in my own personal melancholy.  To break this cycle of mental-lock-down, requires taking a step back from how I am feeling and acknowledge that I am NOT my emotions.  Emotions provide a lens for viewing reality, but do not dictate my reality. 

Enneagram Institute

Riso & Hudson provide the following levels of personal development, specific to 4s.

Healthy Levels

Level 1 (At Their Best): Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating: able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.
Level 2: Self-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate.
Level 3: Highly personal, individualistic, "true to self." Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong.

Average Levels

Level 4: Take an artistic, romantic orientation to life, creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings. Heighten reality through fantasy, passionate feelings, and the imagination.
Level 5: To stay in touch with feelings, they interiorize everything, taking everything personally, but become self-absorbed and introverted, moody and hypersensitive, shy and self-conscious, unable to be spontaneous or to "get out of themselves." Stay withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings.
Level 6: Gradually think that they are different from others, and feel that they are exempt from living as everyone else does. They become melancholy dreamers, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy of others leads to self-indulgence, and to becoming increasingly impractical, unproductive, effete, and precious.

Unhealthy Levels

Level 7: When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of self, fatigued and unable to function.
Level 8: Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts: everything is a source of torment. Blaming others, they drive away anyone who tries to help them.
Level 9: Despairing, feel hopeless and become self-destructive, possibly abusing alcohol or drugs to escape. In the extreme: emotional breakdown or suicide is likely. Generally corresponds to the Avoidant, Depressive, and Narcissistic personality disorders. 

Maintaining a healthy mental state requires allowing my emotions to surface, examining their direction and intensity, and then accepting the conclusions that can be drawn from my experiences.  This provides a healthy feedback system that enables me to maintain a sense of purpose and clarity.  Am I on the right path?  Is what I am doing making me happy?  At all times, I must refrain from allowing my fantasy world from overtaking reality.  Obsession and over-analysis result in a negative feedback loop that shuts down all rational thought.

Integration (Self Realization and Productivity)

"As Fours become more aware of their tendency to brood and to fantasize about their many hurts and disappointments, they also become aware of the cost to themselves of this way of being. As they relax and accept themselves more deeply, they gradually become free of their constant emotional turbulence and their need to maintain emotional crises or to indulge themselves as a consolation prize for not fulfilling their potential. Gradually and naturally, they become more objective, grounded, and practical, like healthy Ones. They also become more realistic and able to operate in the real world. Without imposing harsh disciplines or expectations on themselves, integrating Fours want to become involved in matters beyond themselves, such as in community work, politics, the environment, or in other worthwhile ways to engage their minds and hearts. On some level, they choose no longer to indulge themselves but to live within the constraints of reality. When they do so, they find the payoffs and the pleasures—and their creativity—are deeper and much more fulfilling."

At my most productive, my type shifts to resemble that of Type 1.  Objective, practical, realistic and capable of operating in the real world.  I find it interesting that my personality type gravitates to those who have personality traits that I envy or desire, and my partner is a type 1.  Obviously, my subconscious knew something I did not.  It would seem imperative that I continually strive to break the cycle of emotional over-analysis.  Reality does not change because I have an anxiety attack over an imagined insult or slight.  Even legitimate criticism should be met with logic and reason.  Did I fail in my obligations?  Am I capable of improving my performance?

"Fours grow by recognizing that while the hurts and losses of the past were real enough, there is no need to keep revisiting them in the imagination. On the contrary, doing so keeps drawing them out of the richness and depth of the present moment—the one time and place in which their real feelings and their true identity can be found. Fours need to see how working up their feelings actually moves them further away from their most authentic self and their truest self expression."

Building Trust

From the Article: Trust and Trust Building

"Our trust in another individual can be grounded in our evaluation of his/her ability, integrity, and benevolence. That is, the more we observe these characteristics in another person, our level of trust in that person is likely to grow."

 Ability refers to the level of general competence or skill of the individual.  If we know that they are capable of performing tasks then we generally accept their results.

Integrity represents the degree to which the trustee adheres to principles that the trustor finds acceptable.  This dimension is heavily influenced by the past.  Integrity is a catch-all definition that encompasses honesty, accurate communication, and follow-through.

Benevolence is the general acceptance that the trustee has the best interests of the trustor in mind.  The trusted individual must be concerned about the trustor's general welfare and help advance the trustor's interests or at least not actively impede progress.

 My most challenging issue is with the concept of integrity.  I have utilized lies and deceit for the majority of my adult life, either to avoid conflict or to avoid painful emotional situations.  The dismal failure rate of this method has led me to the conclusion that I must change my methods.  Being honest with others first requires me to be honest with myself; facing my fears and accepting that I cannot influence the outcome of events in a positive manner if I am employing negative tactics.

"At early stages of a relationship, trust is at a calculus-based level. In other words, an individual will carefully calculate how the other party is likely to behave in a given situation depending on the rewards for being trustworthy and the deterrents against untrustworthy behavior. In this manner, rewards and punishments form the basis of control that a trustor has in ensuring the trustee's behavioral consistency."

 The most important relationship in my life has been trapped at this level for far too long.  I have never accepted the reward/punishment cycle that has eroded any sense of trust in my relationship.  The rewards (often insubstantial, yet meaningful) were never more important than my selfish motivations.  The punishments never had a meaningful impact on my behavior because I never accepted how my actions were truly affecting the emotional well-being of another.  I was self destructive, so masochistically accepting punishments simply fed my own self-loathing.

 "Over time, calculus-based trust (CBT) can be built as individuals manage their reputation and assure the stability of their behavior by behaving consistently, meeting agreed-to deadlines, and fulfilling promises. CBT is a largely cognitively-driven trust phenomenon, grounded in judgments of the trustees predictability and reliability."

 Given my own INTP nature and the similar, yet more externally based INTJ, nature of my partner's personalities, this method of viewing trust should be very practical.   My actions result in a net gain/loss on a cognitive, calculus-based trust (CBT) scale.  Viewed this way, the early nature of building trust is similar to an experience level bar in a MMORPG.  The nature of my analogy is crass, but from a theoretical perspective it is easy for me to view this as progress.  Even small actions, when performed with Ability, Integrity, and Benevolence, result in an increase in the bar.

"As the parties come to a deeper understanding of each other through repeated interactions, they may become aware of shared values and goals. This allows trust to grow to a higher and qualitatively different level. When trust evolves to the highest level, it is said to function as identification-based trust (IBT). At this stage trust has been built to the point that the parties have internalized each other's desires and intentions. They understand what the other party really cares about so completely that each party is able to act as an agent for the other. Trust at this advanced stage is also enhanced by a strong emotional bond between the parties, based on a sense of shared goals and values. So, in contrast to CBT, IBT is a more emotionally-driven phenomenon, grounded in perceptions of interpersonal care and concern, and mutual need satisfaction."

 Wow.  That is a mouthful.   Effectively, CBT "levels-up" to a higher form of trust, identification-based trust (IBT).  IBT represents a true partnership.  Either party can gauge, with a high degree of accuracy, the goals or desires of the other.  Based on this, decisions can be made that mutually benefit both parties.  Either party can act as an Agent of the other with the understanding that decisions are being made with the highest level of Ability, Integrity, and Benevolence.

This is not the same as codependence.  In fact, this is the highest form of interdependence possible.  Your own abilities are enhanced by the abilities of another, so that the relationship is greater than the sum of it's parts.

TRUST VIOLATIONS

 "Trust violations occur when the trustor's (i.e., the victim's) confident positive expectations of the trustee (i.e., the offender) are disconfirmed."

In my own life, I am currently sitting at an experience bar slightly above zero (I hope).  So many repeated violations of trust, both in terms of integrity, magnitude, and frequency have resulted in potential negative levels.

 "The experience of a trust violation is likely to result in the trustor making (1) a cognitive appraisal of the situation and (2) experiencing a distressed emotional state. The cognitive appraisal refers to the victim's assignment of culpability to the offender and the evaluation of the costs associated with the violation. The emotional reaction is likely to be composed of some mixture of anger, disappointment, and/or frustration at oneself for trusting and at the offender for exploiting that trust."

Negative emotional behaviors, that I learned in childhood and have carried with me into my adult life, have left me with too much self-pity and guilt.  Each violation of trust and the resultant emotional pain that I caused simply fueled additional negative behaviors.  Lying to myself about what was important or pretending that reality was something that it was not are the worst aspects of my personality.  I have the potential for so much good, focusing on the negative has brought nothing but pain to those around me.

REBUILDING TRUST

"After trust has been damaged, there are two key considerations for the victim: (1) dealing with the stress the violation imposed on the relationship, and (2) determining if future violations will occur. After a trust violation and the cognitive and affective fallout that ensues, the first critical question is, is the victim willing to reconcile? If the victim believes that the violator will not make efforts at righting the wrongs and minimizing future violations, the victim has no incentive to attempt reconciliation and restore trust."

 In this context, reconciliation is much more important than forgiveness in rebuilding a relationship of trust.  The victim may forgive and move on, leaving the relationship destroyed, yet experiencing a release from the emotional trauma.  Reconciliation offers the same potential relief with the bonus of future positive emotions.  Reconciliation is significantly more challenging and requires effort on the part of the trustee and the trustor.

In my own life, it has come to the point where my Integrity is so low, that my words and promises are meaningless.  Only by regularly, and routinely performing honest and genuine acts of kindness can I demonstrate my true intent to repair the damage.  Again, there are no guarantees.  It may be that the only positive outcome may be to salvage a friendship, but one that is irreparably damaged.  For me, even this is better than the lasting harm I have done to another, especially one I claim to care about so deeply.

"In CBT relationships, expectations of the other party are grounded in a cognitive appraisal of the costs and benefits involved in a given transaction, with minimal emphasis on the emotional investment in the relationship (i.e., emotional concerns are not irrelevant, but just not as central as cognitive concerns). Violations in a CBT relationship involve a focus on the exchange itself and the loss of the specific benefits the victim was relying on from the exchange. In short, in order to repair CBT, parties tend to focus on the impact (i.e., the direct consequences) of the trust violation as the primary issue to address in any repair effort."

In a CBT relationship, actions speak louder than words.  Honesty, clear communication, and benevolent intent are key to rebuilding the experience bar.  At this point, there can be no more "slip-ups," "miscommunications," or "misunderstandings."  Those excuses were used up a long time ago.  Now is the time for exhibiting my true character, without the fear and negative cognitive blockages.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is no reset switch.  I have no save points.  Every decision I have made has led me to this point.  I can continue to dwell on my past failures and the pain I have inflicted, using that to draw me further down the spiral of self-pity, or I can accept that it may not be possible to ever achieve the IBT phase of this relationship.  What I can do, is look to the future, focus on my own Integrity and attempt to build the trust of those around me.  I have to accept that there will be hiccups, and that I may face significant distrust or open hostility.  My actions must never waiver, and attempts to be dishonest or mislead must be immediately rectified.

Interdependence

"A healthy romantic relationship is based on interdependence.  Codependence and interdependence are two very different dynamics."

 "Codependence is about giving away power over our self-esteem.  Taking our self-definition and self-worth from outside or external sources is dysfunctional because it causes us to give power over how we feel about ourselves to people and forces which we cannot control."

"Interdependence is about making allies, forming partnerships.  It is about forming connections with other beings.  Interdependence means that we give someone else some power over our welfare and our feelings.  Anytime we care about somebody or something we give away some power over our feelings.  It is impossible to Love without giving away some power."

 "We will have feelings - we will get hurt, we will be scared, we will get angry - because those feelings are an unavoidable part of life. Feelings are a part of the human experience that we came here to learn about - they cannot be avoided."

 "Anyone who is unconscious to how the people and events of their past have shaped who they are today, is incapable of being present in the now and having a healthy relationship.   When we are reacting unconsciously to the emotional wounds and old tapes from our childhoods, we are being emotionally dishonest in the moment - we are mostly reacting to how we felt in a similar dynamic in the past, not clearly responding to what is happening in the present."

Building a solid foundation of interdependence (note: not independence which is just as unrealistic as codependency) is essential to a healthy mental state.  The first step is acknowledging when our mental scars are interfering with our current situation.  If I am unable to approach a situation with rationality and logic it is because I am following an old, flawed paradigm of behavior.  The answer, learn to live in the moment.

"We need to live more in the moment. Living in the moment—also called mindfulness—is a state of active, open, intentional attention on the present."

 "Mindfulness is at the root of Buddhism, Taoism, and many Native-American traditions, not to mention yoga. It's why Thoreau went to Walden Pond; it's what Emerson and Whitman wrote about in their essays and poems."

Six Steps to Mindfulness

1. To Improve Your Performance, Stop Thinking About It (Unselfconsciousness)
2. To Avoid Worrying About The Future, Focus On The Present (Savoring)
3. If You Want A Future With Your Significant Other, Inhabit The Present (Breathe)
4. To Make The Most Of Time, Lose Track Of It (Flow)
5. If Something Is Bothering You, Move Toward It (Acceptance)
6. Know That You Do Not Know (Engagement)

Love vs. Toxic Relationship

1. Love - Development of self first priority.
Toxic love - Obsession with relationship.

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful.

I found this list on a small blog about codependency.  Every item on this list makes sense.  Life is not about being perfect or finding someone else who is perfect.  Life is about being yourself, growing into a better person, and finding someone who accepts you for who you are and encourages you to be even better tomorrow.

Codependency

From the article: What is Codependency?and End a Codependent Relationship the Healthy Way

"codependency is depending on other people to give you the freedom to pursue the things that you wish to pursue in life...
When you are codependent you believe the illusion that others hold the key to your happiness — when it always has been and only can be yourself who holds that key."

 Relevant examples of codependency:

• The young boy who believes he cannot express his feelings because he will not be accepted by society is codependent.
•  The person who cannot leave an abusive relationship is codependent. 
•  The person who cannot set healthy boundaries is codependent. 
•  The person who cannot leave a relationship whereby the other person is mentally, emotionally, or physically unavailable is codependent. 

 Why are people codependent?

 "...they have not had a healthy relationship modeled to them, and so they haven’t learned how to develop a healthy relationship with themselves."

"The reason that someone stays in a codependent relationship is because they have been programmed with dysfunctional beliefs about relationships.
These beliefs probably originate in childhood, in the family system, where the parents were probably codependent as well. Codependent beliefs are the opposite of the beliefs that make interdependent, functional, and healthy relationships possible."

What is a codependent relationship?

"They withhold their true feelings from fear of rejection, they have communication problems, they harbor hidden expectations in the relationship and then resort to resentment and passive aggressiveness when their (unexpressed) needs are not met, they have an unhealthy sense of boundaries, and they think it is more important for them to not be alone than for the other person to have the freedom to follow their life path."

What is an interdependent relationship?

"They both express their feelings honestly, they both communicate clearly, they both assert their needs and negotiate relationship agreements, they both maintain healthy boundaries, and they are both committed to each others’ personal growth and well-being.
In essence, they both have a healthy sense of who they are, what their limitations are, what their goals and values are, and what their core relationship needs are."

How to determine if a relationship is codependent?

• You feel like you cannot live without the other person. As in, you’re certain you wouldn’t have any reason to go on (even after recovering from the heartbreak).
• You’re convinced you need the other person to be happy. Yes, we all need to be connected to people in order to be happy (that makes us human). But there’s no one person that you absolutely need in order to breathe (unless it’s a rare and extreme situation).
• You feel trapped by the relationship, and that if you do something for yourself (like change or grow), you’ll be horrible for abandoning them.
• You feel guilty about moving on from the person, because after all, they’ve done so much for you in the past. And they’d crumble up and wither away with you.
• You want to save the other person in some way. You’re certain that you’re the best person for the job of savior because you love and truly understand them. But the person doesn’t want saving, is resistant to your help, or acts like they care but then continually sabotages all your efforts.
• You tolerate mistreatment or abuse from the other person because you love them too damn much, and you’re stronger than this, better than this. It’s a royal rationalization.
• You repeatedly tell yourself that if you hang on long enough, they’ll change, take your advice, see the light, and finally love you the way you deserve. And boy when that happens, it will have been worth it, because they will be gold. In the meantime though, it’s back to living hell.
• You feel as if you can never stop the other person from hurting you — that you have a life sentence of pain and betrayal. And you might even make excuses for why you deserve this treatment, or at least have to put up with it.
• You feel like you can never get out of the relationship. Meaning, if you tell the other person to leave you alone, they will pester you and try to leech themself back into your life until they’ve succeeded or made life so miserable for you that it ends in a volcanic emotional eruption.
• You have mixed feelings about the person on a regular basis. You simultaneously love and hate them. Or you feel empowered yet disempowered by the relationship. That’s your being in denial of the bad times, and hoping that the good times will make them go away — which won’t happen.
• You’re depressed or sad for no reason. That is until you’re off on your own or with other people who care about you and respect your boundaries.
• You cry uncontrollably for no reason. You’ve gotten so out of touch with the pain that you can’t name it anymore and it violently thrashes your body.
• You continually fantasize about life without the other person. Or you can’t stop from dreaming about it in your sleep.
• You start to develop addictions that before weren’t an issue. And when you’re away from the person, suddenly it’s a non-issue.

Analysis to follow...

Keirsey Temperment - Portrait of the Architect

Reaction to Quotes taken from: Keirsey - Architect

For Architects, the world exists primarily to be analyzed, understood, explained - and re-designed. External reality in itself is unimportant, little more than raw material to be organized into structural models. What is important for Architects is that they grasp fundamental principles and natural laws, and that their designs are elegant, that is, efficient and coherent.

I can see this in myself.  How things function is significantly more important than why they have a function in the first place.  Understanding how a toaster works does not lead me to believe that we actually need to eat toast, but it does cause me to think of methods that toast bread more efficiently than losing all that heat vertically.  I absorb information at a prodigious rate.  I have always read voraciously, even when I am left with nothing but  technical journals or rag mags.  I found myself reading a car's technical manual once, just to explain what 2nd Gear was for.

 They tend to see distinctions and inconsistencies instantaneously, and can detect contradictions no matter when or where they were made. It is difficult for an Architect to listen to nonsense, even in a casual conversation, without pointing out the speaker's error.

This is a bad habit.  I find it necessary to  correct factual errors.  Even in situations where the error makes no difference to the topic or when correcting the error causes emotional distress.

 Authority derived from office, credential, or celebrity does not impress them. Architects are interested only in what make sense, and thus only statements that are consistent and coherent carry any weight with them.

I pride myself in being an alpha-adopter.  I love new information or even old information presented in a new, and logical manner.  My obsession with diet and fitness falls into this category.  The current movement towards "all things old are new again," is perfect.  Returning to primal eating, body-weight routines and all-around fitness are excellent examples that buck the CW of low-fat, cardio obsessed media personalities and experts.

 They are inclined to be shy except with close friends, and their reserve is difficult to penetrate. Able to concentrate better than any other type, they prefer to work quietly at their computers or drafting tables, and often alone.

I work best when I work alone.  I don't mind talking.  I frequently find myself dominating conversations that turn to topics that interest me, or I turn topics to something I find more interesting.  My best work, is done in the tumultuous quiet of my own presence.  I may grumble or even talk to myself out loud and often my internal dialogue has nothing to do with the task at hand, but this semi-randomness helps me focus on the task in front of me.  The interjection of topics or reactions to my methods often side-rail me from my tasks.

 Architects prize intelligence, and with their grand desire to grasp the structure of the universe, they can seem arrogant and may show impatience with others who have less ability, or who are less driven.

I am egotistical.  I am vain and I am filled with self aggrandizement.   Often, these feelings are justified, and when they are not they stem from a position of insecurity.  In either case they only serve to drive a wedge between myself and others.  This is a huge area of necessary personal development.

On the positive side, I am drawn to intelligence like a moth to a flame.  I crave new information.  Often the source can be more enlightening than the information itself.  A "diamond in the rough" with a new tidbit of knowledge is more valuable than a dry encyclopedia.

Rationals in a Relationship

 Rationals... do tend to be steadfast, being among the most committed.

My loyalty seems to come at the expense of my own emotions.  Recent events have taught me the value in being open and honest about my feelings.  Choosing the course that makes others happy sometimes results in emotional and mental breakdowns.  This serves no rational purpose, except causing the entire scenario to explode in unexpected ways.  Example: the fragmentation of my marriage.

INTP Strengths and Weaknesses

INTP strengths

• INTPs love and affection for people close to them are unusually strong and pure, even with hints of childlike enthusiasm
• Relaxed, easy approach to life
• Huge enthusiasm when it comes to something the INTP is interested in
• Excellent imagination and creativity
• Resistance to conflict and criticism
• Simple needs

INTP weaknesses

• Poor sense of other people’s feelings and slow reaction to their emotional needs
• Uncomfortable when it is necessary to express their own feelings and emotions
• Tendency to view others with suspicion and caution
• Relatively poor practical skills, including money management
• Potential difficulties in leaving failed relationships
• Tendency to approach conflict situations by either ignoring them or unleashing uncontrollable anger

"Shadow" Personality type - ESFJ (Personifies the weaknesses, without the strengths)
This personality tends to manifest when high stress or depression sets in for long periods of time.

ESFJ weaknesses:

• Dislike significant changes, especially if they have to take place quickly
• Very intolerant of conflict or criticism
• Need a lot of support and attention from other people
• May pay too much attention to their social status
• Tendency to spend a significant amount of time contemplating what other people think of them
• May find it very difficult to terminate a relationship, blaming themselves for the perceived failure
• Strongly dislike and disagree with any negative comments directed at their close friends or relatives
• Tendency to ignore their own needs, sacrificing too much for the sake of others
• Tendency to “guilt trip” others in order to achieve their personal goals