| A poor sense or disregard of personal space—not sensing or knowing how physically close you should be in relation to another Disregarding your personal values in order to please others knowing how physically close you should be in relation to another Ignoring another person’s display of poor boundaries or invasion of your boundaries Sharing too much personal information with someone you don’t know well Accepting food, gifts, touch, or sex that you don’t want |
Falling in love with a new acquaintance Excessive giving or taking Obsessive thinking about another person Letting others describe you or your reality Acting on the first sexual impulse Expecting others to anticipate and fulfill your needs Being sexual for your partner and not yourself Manipulative behaviors, abusive behaviors, etc. |
Establishing Healthy Boundaries:
Addicts, especially while under the influence of their drug of choice, also tend to demonstrate a lack of boundaries. Many of their sensibilities and sensitivities become increasingly blunted or impaired, and they are likely to become incapable of knowing the true needs and desires of another. Many of us in recovery find that certain therapeutic tools, recovery activities, and spiritual pursuits aid us in establishing or restoring healthy boundaries. As important as this is, it’s equally important to learn and practice healthy styles of communication. Even the closest or healthiest relationships require that clear, verbal boundaries be expressed from time to time. Leaving boundaries simply to assumption in a relationship is not always sufficient. Sometimes a boundary can be as simple as saying “No,” which is a complete communication of its own. At other times, some elaboration is needed. It is important to note that a boundary is not a threat. Threats are antiquated, fear-motivated behaviors directed toward changing or ‘fixing’ another person—another myth of codependence. Such behaviors can only backfire in unpleasant or hurtful ways for both parties. A clean, healthy boundary is a way to inform others as to how you wish to be treated, respected, and loved.
At Sierra Tucson and certain other treatment facilities, the following verbal boundary format is taught and practiced: “If you (behavior), I’ll share my feelings with you. If you continue, I’ll (action) to take care of myself.” The first sentence in this format is the assertion of your right or healthy decision to confront unacceptable behaviors in another. Failure to confront such behaviors may be seen as “enabling,” or giving another person tacit approval to disrespect or abuse you. Enabling behaviors are driven by the fear of rejection, in some form. A clean confrontation to address unacceptable behavior would be: “When you (behavior), like the time (example), I felt (core feelings).” Notice that this is based simply upon reporting your perception of another’s behavior, and your core feelings associated with it. Then, a big PERIOD follows, keeping the communication free of judgment, opinion, shoulds, over-explaining, or lecturing. (It is important to note that the feelings are preceded by “I felt…,” not, “You made me feel…,” the latter having highly codependent implications.) As with boundaries, the spirit of such a confrontation is to “let the chips fall where they may” versus being invested in a certain outcome pertaining to the other’s behavior. The expectation of a certain outcome is likely to be a form of manipulation—another mutually destructive, codependent behavior. The second sentence of the boundary format is intended to inform (not to punish or threaten) the other of your intended response to their unacceptable behavior if it continues. Whichever action you choose, be sure that it will be sufficient in taking care of yourself in such a situation and that it’s an action you are willing to commit to, so that your words have meaning. It is also important to select a “minimum muscle” approach to the action statement of a boundary, as, once again, it is not intended as a threat. The phrase “to take care of myself” is included to make the entire communication very explicit as to its purpose. Example: “If you raise your voice angrily on the telephone with me, I’ll share my feelings with you. If you continue, I’ll hang up and not wish to speak with you for two days, to take care of myself.” Notice that a timeframe is included in the second sentence—two days in this case. Two days might be adequate for taking care of yourself in such an instance, and the other person is unlikely to get the message that the relationship has ended. If the person repeats the behavior, you may wish to repeat the boundary once or twice, raising the ante of the action each time to help them understand, not to punish.
If the person continues to disrespect your boundary, a word for that would be “abuse,” and that’s when it’s important to remember that no one is served when you allow that part of Spirit that you are to be abused or victimized. That’s why your Higher Power gave you those appendages at the end of your legs that make you portable! So, within the scope of boundaries, one may allow for deeper and safer intimacy in a relationship or clarify when it may be time to end a relationship, or something between these polarities.
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