"Our trust in another individual can be grounded in our evaluation of his/her ability, integrity, and benevolence. That is, the more we observe these characteristics in another person, our level of trust in that person is likely to grow."Ability refers to the level of general competence or skill of the individual. If we know that they are capable of performing tasks then we generally accept their results.
Integrity represents the degree to which the trustee adheres to principles that the trustor finds acceptable. This dimension is heavily influenced by the past. Integrity is a catch-all definition that encompasses honesty, accurate communication, and follow-through.
Benevolence is the general acceptance that the trustee has the best interests of the trustor in mind. The trusted individual must be concerned about the trustor's general welfare and help advance the trustor's interests or at least not actively impede progress.
My most challenging issue is with the concept of integrity. I have utilized lies and deceit for the majority of my adult life, either to avoid conflict or to avoid painful emotional situations. The dismal failure rate of this method has led me to the conclusion that I must change my methods. Being honest with others first requires me to be honest with myself; facing my fears and accepting that I cannot influence the outcome of events in a positive manner if I am employing negative tactics.
"At early stages of a relationship, trust is at a calculus-based level. In other words, an individual will carefully calculate how the other party is likely to behave in a given situation depending on the rewards for being trustworthy and the deterrents against untrustworthy behavior. In this manner, rewards and punishments form the basis of control that a trustor has in ensuring the trustee's behavioral consistency."The most important relationship in my life has been trapped at this level for far too long. I have never accepted the reward/punishment cycle that has eroded any sense of trust in my relationship. The rewards (often insubstantial, yet meaningful) were never more important than my selfish motivations. The punishments never had a meaningful impact on my behavior because I never accepted how my actions were truly affecting the emotional well-being of another. I was self destructive, so masochistically accepting punishments simply fed my own self-loathing.
"Over time, calculus-based trust (CBT) can be built as individuals manage their reputation and assure the stability of their behavior by behaving consistently, meeting agreed-to deadlines, and fulfilling promises. CBT is a largely cognitively-driven trust phenomenon, grounded in judgments of the trustees predictability and reliability."Given my own INTP nature and the similar, yet more externally based INTJ, nature of my partner's personalities, this method of viewing trust should be very practical. My actions result in a net gain/loss on a cognitive, calculus-based trust (CBT) scale. Viewed this way, the early nature of building trust is similar to an experience level bar in a MMORPG. The nature of my analogy is crass, but from a theoretical perspective it is easy for me to view this as progress. Even small actions, when performed with Ability, Integrity, and Benevolence, result in an increase in the bar.
"As the parties come to a deeper understanding of each other through repeated interactions, they may become aware of shared values and goals. This allows trust to grow to a higher and qualitatively different level. When trust evolves to the highest level, it is said to function as identification-based trust (IBT). At this stage trust has been built to the point that the parties have internalized each other's desires and intentions. They understand what the other party really cares about so completely that each party is able to act as an agent for the other. Trust at this advanced stage is also enhanced by a strong emotional bond between the parties, based on a sense of shared goals and values. So, in contrast to CBT, IBT is a more emotionally-driven phenomenon, grounded in perceptions of interpersonal care and concern, and mutual need satisfaction."Wow. That is a mouthful. Effectively, CBT "levels-up" to a higher form of trust, identification-based trust (IBT). IBT represents a true partnership. Either party can gauge, with a high degree of accuracy, the goals or desires of the other. Based on this, decisions can be made that mutually benefit both parties. Either party can act as an Agent of the other with the understanding that decisions are being made with the highest level of Ability, Integrity, and Benevolence.
This is not the same as codependence. In fact, this is the highest form of interdependence possible. Your own abilities are enhanced by the abilities of another, so that the relationship is greater than the sum of it's parts.
TRUST VIOLATIONS
"Trust violations occur when the trustor's (i.e., the victim's) confident positive expectations of the trustee (i.e., the offender) are disconfirmed."In my own life, I am currently sitting at an experience bar slightly above zero (I hope). So many repeated violations of trust, both in terms of integrity, magnitude, and frequency have resulted in potential negative levels.
"The experience of a trust violation is likely to result in the trustor making (1) a cognitive appraisal of the situation and (2) experiencing a distressed emotional state. The cognitive appraisal refers to the victim's assignment of culpability to the offender and the evaluation of the costs associated with the violation. The emotional reaction is likely to be composed of some mixture of anger, disappointment, and/or frustration at oneself for trusting and at the offender for exploiting that trust."Negative emotional behaviors, that I learned in childhood and have carried with me into my adult life, have left me with too much self-pity and guilt. Each violation of trust and the resultant emotional pain that I caused simply fueled additional negative behaviors. Lying to myself about what was important or pretending that reality was something that it was not are the worst aspects of my personality. I have the potential for so much good, focusing on the negative has brought nothing but pain to those around me.
REBUILDING TRUST
"After trust has been damaged, there are two key considerations for the victim: (1) dealing with the stress the violation imposed on the relationship, and (2) determining if future violations will occur. After a trust violation and the cognitive and affective fallout that ensues, the first critical question is, is the victim willing to reconcile? If the victim believes that the violator will not make efforts at righting the wrongs and minimizing future violations, the victim has no incentive to attempt reconciliation and restore trust."In this context, reconciliation is much more important than forgiveness in rebuilding a relationship of trust. The victim may forgive and move on, leaving the relationship destroyed, yet experiencing a release from the emotional trauma. Reconciliation offers the same potential relief with the bonus of future positive emotions. Reconciliation is significantly more challenging and requires effort on the part of the trustee and the trustor.
In my own life, it has come to the point where my Integrity is so low, that my words and promises are meaningless. Only by regularly, and routinely performing honest and genuine acts of kindness can I demonstrate my true intent to repair the damage. Again, there are no guarantees. It may be that the only positive outcome may be to salvage a friendship, but one that is irreparably damaged. For me, even this is better than the lasting harm I have done to another, especially one I claim to care about so deeply.
"In CBT relationships, expectations of the other party are grounded in a cognitive appraisal of the costs and benefits involved in a given transaction, with minimal emphasis on the emotional investment in the relationship (i.e., emotional concerns are not irrelevant, but just not as central as cognitive concerns). Violations in a CBT relationship involve a focus on the exchange itself and the loss of the specific benefits the victim was relying on from the exchange. In short, in order to repair CBT, parties tend to focus on the impact (i.e., the direct consequences) of the trust violation as the primary issue to address in any repair effort."In a CBT relationship, actions speak louder than words. Honesty, clear communication, and benevolent intent are key to rebuilding the experience bar. At this point, there can be no more "slip-ups," "miscommunications," or "misunderstandings." Those excuses were used up a long time ago. Now is the time for exhibiting my true character, without the fear and negative cognitive blockages.
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There is no reset switch. I have no save points. Every decision I have made has led me to this point. I can continue to dwell on my past failures and the pain I have inflicted, using that to draw me further down the spiral of self-pity, or I can accept that it may not be possible to ever achieve the IBT phase of this relationship. What I can do, is look to the future, focus on my own Integrity and attempt to build the trust of those around me. I have to accept that there will be hiccups, and that I may face significant distrust or open hostility. My actions must never waiver, and attempts to be dishonest or mislead must be immediately rectified.
