From the INTP Guide to Better Living

• from the time you're old enough to grasp this concept, focus on what makes you happy and start figuring out a way to make money with it in the world.
• play many sports and games (they are good for the mind and personal development, and the team sports for social skills), especially golf and billiards. golf will show you about yourself. most of the attributes needed to be good at golf (discipline, patience, confidence, analyzation skills, creativity) are the same ones that will help you in life - there are no shortcuts in golf. billiards will help you develop the same attributes, especially confidence. you just won't meet a good pool player who isn't confident.
• beware of people who don't trust anybody. they think everyone is like them.
• develop your artistic side in whatever way. few things are more pleasing than your own ability to create something beautiful.
• this is for all, but especially for INTP's, be good at many things, but become an expert in at least one. the individuals in the world that are in demand are the ones that can do something that others can't; or at least do it better.
• just be brave. learn early on that rejection isn't the end of the world and if you put yourself out there, you'll have success more often than failure. this goes for trying new things as well as going after that special someone. not even taking a chance is an automatic failure, and actual failure or rejection is never as bad or long lasting as what we imagine in our minds.
• very early on, learn to understand people's motivations. there are countless things you can do with the knowledge of 'why people do what they do'.
• learn how to be honest with your feelings and get comfortable telling those that are important to you how you feel about them. they want to know. the other side of the coin says make sure you actually know what you're feeling. if one person seems like the beginning and the end to you and all would be lost without them, you probably need a hobby.

Building Trust

From the Article: Trust and Trust Building

"Our trust in another individual can be grounded in our evaluation of his/her ability, integrity, and benevolence. That is, the more we observe these characteristics in another person, our level of trust in that person is likely to grow."

 Ability refers to the level of general competence or skill of the individual.  If we know that they are capable of performing tasks then we generally accept their results.

Integrity represents the degree to which the trustee adheres to principles that the trustor finds acceptable.  This dimension is heavily influenced by the past.  Integrity is a catch-all definition that encompasses honesty, accurate communication, and follow-through.

Benevolence is the general acceptance that the trustee has the best interests of the trustor in mind.  The trusted individual must be concerned about the trustor's general welfare and help advance the trustor's interests or at least not actively impede progress.

 My most challenging issue is with the concept of integrity.  I have utilized lies and deceit for the majority of my adult life, either to avoid conflict or to avoid painful emotional situations.  The dismal failure rate of this method has led me to the conclusion that I must change my methods.  Being honest with others first requires me to be honest with myself; facing my fears and accepting that I cannot influence the outcome of events in a positive manner if I am employing negative tactics.

"At early stages of a relationship, trust is at a calculus-based level. In other words, an individual will carefully calculate how the other party is likely to behave in a given situation depending on the rewards for being trustworthy and the deterrents against untrustworthy behavior. In this manner, rewards and punishments form the basis of control that a trustor has in ensuring the trustee's behavioral consistency."

 The most important relationship in my life has been trapped at this level for far too long.  I have never accepted the reward/punishment cycle that has eroded any sense of trust in my relationship.  The rewards (often insubstantial, yet meaningful) were never more important than my selfish motivations.  The punishments never had a meaningful impact on my behavior because I never accepted how my actions were truly affecting the emotional well-being of another.  I was self destructive, so masochistically accepting punishments simply fed my own self-loathing.

 "Over time, calculus-based trust (CBT) can be built as individuals manage their reputation and assure the stability of their behavior by behaving consistently, meeting agreed-to deadlines, and fulfilling promises. CBT is a largely cognitively-driven trust phenomenon, grounded in judgments of the trustees predictability and reliability."

 Given my own INTP nature and the similar, yet more externally based INTJ, nature of my partner's personalities, this method of viewing trust should be very practical.   My actions result in a net gain/loss on a cognitive, calculus-based trust (CBT) scale.  Viewed this way, the early nature of building trust is similar to an experience level bar in a MMORPG.  The nature of my analogy is crass, but from a theoretical perspective it is easy for me to view this as progress.  Even small actions, when performed with Ability, Integrity, and Benevolence, result in an increase in the bar.

"As the parties come to a deeper understanding of each other through repeated interactions, they may become aware of shared values and goals. This allows trust to grow to a higher and qualitatively different level. When trust evolves to the highest level, it is said to function as identification-based trust (IBT). At this stage trust has been built to the point that the parties have internalized each other's desires and intentions. They understand what the other party really cares about so completely that each party is able to act as an agent for the other. Trust at this advanced stage is also enhanced by a strong emotional bond between the parties, based on a sense of shared goals and values. So, in contrast to CBT, IBT is a more emotionally-driven phenomenon, grounded in perceptions of interpersonal care and concern, and mutual need satisfaction."

 Wow.  That is a mouthful.   Effectively, CBT "levels-up" to a higher form of trust, identification-based trust (IBT).  IBT represents a true partnership.  Either party can gauge, with a high degree of accuracy, the goals or desires of the other.  Based on this, decisions can be made that mutually benefit both parties.  Either party can act as an Agent of the other with the understanding that decisions are being made with the highest level of Ability, Integrity, and Benevolence.

This is not the same as codependence.  In fact, this is the highest form of interdependence possible.  Your own abilities are enhanced by the abilities of another, so that the relationship is greater than the sum of it's parts.

TRUST VIOLATIONS

 "Trust violations occur when the trustor's (i.e., the victim's) confident positive expectations of the trustee (i.e., the offender) are disconfirmed."

In my own life, I am currently sitting at an experience bar slightly above zero (I hope).  So many repeated violations of trust, both in terms of integrity, magnitude, and frequency have resulted in potential negative levels.

 "The experience of a trust violation is likely to result in the trustor making (1) a cognitive appraisal of the situation and (2) experiencing a distressed emotional state. The cognitive appraisal refers to the victim's assignment of culpability to the offender and the evaluation of the costs associated with the violation. The emotional reaction is likely to be composed of some mixture of anger, disappointment, and/or frustration at oneself for trusting and at the offender for exploiting that trust."

Negative emotional behaviors, that I learned in childhood and have carried with me into my adult life, have left me with too much self-pity and guilt.  Each violation of trust and the resultant emotional pain that I caused simply fueled additional negative behaviors.  Lying to myself about what was important or pretending that reality was something that it was not are the worst aspects of my personality.  I have the potential for so much good, focusing on the negative has brought nothing but pain to those around me.

REBUILDING TRUST

"After trust has been damaged, there are two key considerations for the victim: (1) dealing with the stress the violation imposed on the relationship, and (2) determining if future violations will occur. After a trust violation and the cognitive and affective fallout that ensues, the first critical question is, is the victim willing to reconcile? If the victim believes that the violator will not make efforts at righting the wrongs and minimizing future violations, the victim has no incentive to attempt reconciliation and restore trust."

 In this context, reconciliation is much more important than forgiveness in rebuilding a relationship of trust.  The victim may forgive and move on, leaving the relationship destroyed, yet experiencing a release from the emotional trauma.  Reconciliation offers the same potential relief with the bonus of future positive emotions.  Reconciliation is significantly more challenging and requires effort on the part of the trustee and the trustor.

In my own life, it has come to the point where my Integrity is so low, that my words and promises are meaningless.  Only by regularly, and routinely performing honest and genuine acts of kindness can I demonstrate my true intent to repair the damage.  Again, there are no guarantees.  It may be that the only positive outcome may be to salvage a friendship, but one that is irreparably damaged.  For me, even this is better than the lasting harm I have done to another, especially one I claim to care about so deeply.

"In CBT relationships, expectations of the other party are grounded in a cognitive appraisal of the costs and benefits involved in a given transaction, with minimal emphasis on the emotional investment in the relationship (i.e., emotional concerns are not irrelevant, but just not as central as cognitive concerns). Violations in a CBT relationship involve a focus on the exchange itself and the loss of the specific benefits the victim was relying on from the exchange. In short, in order to repair CBT, parties tend to focus on the impact (i.e., the direct consequences) of the trust violation as the primary issue to address in any repair effort."

In a CBT relationship, actions speak louder than words.  Honesty, clear communication, and benevolent intent are key to rebuilding the experience bar.  At this point, there can be no more "slip-ups," "miscommunications," or "misunderstandings."  Those excuses were used up a long time ago.  Now is the time for exhibiting my true character, without the fear and negative cognitive blockages.

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There is no reset switch.  I have no save points.  Every decision I have made has led me to this point.  I can continue to dwell on my past failures and the pain I have inflicted, using that to draw me further down the spiral of self-pity, or I can accept that it may not be possible to ever achieve the IBT phase of this relationship.  What I can do, is look to the future, focus on my own Integrity and attempt to build the trust of those around me.  I have to accept that there will be hiccups, and that I may face significant distrust or open hostility.  My actions must never waiver, and attempts to be dishonest or mislead must be immediately rectified.

Keirsey Temperment - Portrait of the Architect

Reaction to Quotes taken from: Keirsey - Architect

For Architects, the world exists primarily to be analyzed, understood, explained - and re-designed. External reality in itself is unimportant, little more than raw material to be organized into structural models. What is important for Architects is that they grasp fundamental principles and natural laws, and that their designs are elegant, that is, efficient and coherent.

I can see this in myself.  How things function is significantly more important than why they have a function in the first place.  Understanding how a toaster works does not lead me to believe that we actually need to eat toast, but it does cause me to think of methods that toast bread more efficiently than losing all that heat vertically.  I absorb information at a prodigious rate.  I have always read voraciously, even when I am left with nothing but  technical journals or rag mags.  I found myself reading a car's technical manual once, just to explain what 2nd Gear was for.

 They tend to see distinctions and inconsistencies instantaneously, and can detect contradictions no matter when or where they were made. It is difficult for an Architect to listen to nonsense, even in a casual conversation, without pointing out the speaker's error.

This is a bad habit.  I find it necessary to  correct factual errors.  Even in situations where the error makes no difference to the topic or when correcting the error causes emotional distress.

 Authority derived from office, credential, or celebrity does not impress them. Architects are interested only in what make sense, and thus only statements that are consistent and coherent carry any weight with them.

I pride myself in being an alpha-adopter.  I love new information or even old information presented in a new, and logical manner.  My obsession with diet and fitness falls into this category.  The current movement towards "all things old are new again," is perfect.  Returning to primal eating, body-weight routines and all-around fitness are excellent examples that buck the CW of low-fat, cardio obsessed media personalities and experts.

 They are inclined to be shy except with close friends, and their reserve is difficult to penetrate. Able to concentrate better than any other type, they prefer to work quietly at their computers or drafting tables, and often alone.

I work best when I work alone.  I don't mind talking.  I frequently find myself dominating conversations that turn to topics that interest me, or I turn topics to something I find more interesting.  My best work, is done in the tumultuous quiet of my own presence.  I may grumble or even talk to myself out loud and often my internal dialogue has nothing to do with the task at hand, but this semi-randomness helps me focus on the task in front of me.  The interjection of topics or reactions to my methods often side-rail me from my tasks.

 Architects prize intelligence, and with their grand desire to grasp the structure of the universe, they can seem arrogant and may show impatience with others who have less ability, or who are less driven.

I am egotistical.  I am vain and I am filled with self aggrandizement.   Often, these feelings are justified, and when they are not they stem from a position of insecurity.  In either case they only serve to drive a wedge between myself and others.  This is a huge area of necessary personal development.

On the positive side, I am drawn to intelligence like a moth to a flame.  I crave new information.  Often the source can be more enlightening than the information itself.  A "diamond in the rough" with a new tidbit of knowledge is more valuable than a dry encyclopedia.

Rationals in a Relationship

 Rationals... do tend to be steadfast, being among the most committed.

My loyalty seems to come at the expense of my own emotions.  Recent events have taught me the value in being open and honest about my feelings.  Choosing the course that makes others happy sometimes results in emotional and mental breakdowns.  This serves no rational purpose, except causing the entire scenario to explode in unexpected ways.  Example: the fragmentation of my marriage.

INTP Strengths and Weaknesses

INTP strengths

• INTPs love and affection for people close to them are unusually strong and pure, even with hints of childlike enthusiasm
• Relaxed, easy approach to life
• Huge enthusiasm when it comes to something the INTP is interested in
• Excellent imagination and creativity
• Resistance to conflict and criticism
• Simple needs

INTP weaknesses

• Poor sense of other people’s feelings and slow reaction to their emotional needs
• Uncomfortable when it is necessary to express their own feelings and emotions
• Tendency to view others with suspicion and caution
• Relatively poor practical skills, including money management
• Potential difficulties in leaving failed relationships
• Tendency to approach conflict situations by either ignoring them or unleashing uncontrollable anger

"Shadow" Personality type - ESFJ (Personifies the weaknesses, without the strengths)
This personality tends to manifest when high stress or depression sets in for long periods of time.

ESFJ weaknesses:

• Dislike significant changes, especially if they have to take place quickly
• Very intolerant of conflict or criticism
• Need a lot of support and attention from other people
• May pay too much attention to their social status
• Tendency to spend a significant amount of time contemplating what other people think of them
• May find it very difficult to terminate a relationship, blaming themselves for the perceived failure
• Strongly dislike and disagree with any negative comments directed at their close friends or relatives
• Tendency to ignore their own needs, sacrificing too much for the sake of others
• Tendency to “guilt trip” others in order to achieve their personal goals