Been A While

Chaos... That is how I would describe the last year+ of my life.

A year ago... my marriage was already over... I just refused to recognize it.  I was living with a stranger... who wore my dead wife's face and spoke with the voice of a ghost.  I believed her when she would make promises or pretend things would get better.  All the while... she had a boyfriend... and continued to meet others.

Looking back... I knew something was wrong.  I should have trusted my gut.  I should have made her leave.  I had a decent job... I was already watching the kids from the time I finished work to the time they went to bed.  I was even helping her with homework.  I did her online History class for her... and when she crashed and refused to complete her Sociology of Television class... I finished her last two projects for her.  What was I thinking?  Why did I cling to a love that was obviously gone?

Then came the move... her Aunt kicked us out of the house we rented from her... did I mention that psychosis runs in the matrilineal line?  This was right at Christmas.  We were broke.  We somehow managed to get the kids presents... despite all of the student loan money she took out disappearing.  Jeans, makeup, etc.  That makes me angry too... but I can let that go.  She got so angry with me... because I did not have anything to fill her stocking with.  What?  Really?  After a month of scrounging cash so we could afford a deposit and put presents under the tree for the kids?  How could someone be so selfish as to be angry at not having a stocking.  I did not expect anything.  It didn't matter.  What mattered was being together... and making the kids smile.

Then came this summer.  I came home... she was gone.  I read through her emails... and her text messages.  She saved them all in SMS.  Invasion of privacy?  Yes. Warranted... after the year I had... and coming home to an empty house... and no kids... yes.

What I discovered shocked me.  My suspicions of her behavior were all true.  Even from November to December, when we were "trying to work on our marriage."  She was meeting people online.  She was sending out photos.  She was arranging threesomes in our new house... right BEFORE Christmas.  She can claim that I ruined the marriage.  There is probably a lot of truth there.  It was full of lies and failures from the start.  I am not proud of my behavior... and I regret not doing more to take care of my family.  But, I was never unfaithful.  I never lied about meeting people to have sex... or get mad at her for ruining her Christmas while she planned to have sex with people in a house we had not even moved into yet.

She hates me.  I understand that.  I do not understand the why.  Thing is... I no longer care.  I see the pattern in her behavior... with her first husband... with me... with her next boyfriend... and the current boyfriend.  She is afraid of being alone.  She is afraid of growing old.  She is intelligent... but doubts her own abilities.  Her parents did that to her.  They created someone with so much potential, then broke her.  I hate them for that.  She may say she forgives them... but she doesn't know how to forgive.  She tolerates them... because they are family. 

I loved someone special.  She did not come with an instruction manual... and some of the functions were damaged in shipping.  I made things worse.  We spoke different languages... had different priorities.  I will never hate her.  But right now... I do not like her.  We no longer talk... that is good.  It was painful to hear her voice.  We no longer text... that is good.  She never has anything nice to say.  We communicate through email... and even that... I am always the villain.

Right now... I should be finalizing some of the paperwork for the divorce.  I just don't care.  It will get done.  I am just not willing to work on her timetable.  Petty... maybe... really I am just not interested.  We signed an agreement for custody and visitation.  Already I feel that she will just make things inconvenient for me until I just go away.

For once... I am happy.  Her negativity... her lies... all of that is removed from my life.  I am still exposed to it... and if I want a place in my children's lives I have to re immerse myself in it from time to time.  But I have discovered real friends... people who care about me.  People I care about in turn.  I have found a new relationship... something that seems a bit too happy to be true... but I have never felt the need to be anything but myself with this person.