Codependency

From the article: What is Codependency?and End a Codependent Relationship the Healthy Way

"codependency is depending on other people to give you the freedom to pursue the things that you wish to pursue in life...
When you are codependent you believe the illusion that others hold the key to your happiness — when it always has been and only can be yourself who holds that key."

 Relevant examples of codependency:

• The young boy who believes he cannot express his feelings because he will not be accepted by society is codependent.
•  The person who cannot leave an abusive relationship is codependent. 
•  The person who cannot set healthy boundaries is codependent. 
•  The person who cannot leave a relationship whereby the other person is mentally, emotionally, or physically unavailable is codependent. 

 Why are people codependent?

 "...they have not had a healthy relationship modeled to them, and so they haven’t learned how to develop a healthy relationship with themselves."

"The reason that someone stays in a codependent relationship is because they have been programmed with dysfunctional beliefs about relationships.
These beliefs probably originate in childhood, in the family system, where the parents were probably codependent as well. Codependent beliefs are the opposite of the beliefs that make interdependent, functional, and healthy relationships possible."

What is a codependent relationship?

"They withhold their true feelings from fear of rejection, they have communication problems, they harbor hidden expectations in the relationship and then resort to resentment and passive aggressiveness when their (unexpressed) needs are not met, they have an unhealthy sense of boundaries, and they think it is more important for them to not be alone than for the other person to have the freedom to follow their life path."

What is an interdependent relationship?

"They both express their feelings honestly, they both communicate clearly, they both assert their needs and negotiate relationship agreements, they both maintain healthy boundaries, and they are both committed to each others’ personal growth and well-being.
In essence, they both have a healthy sense of who they are, what their limitations are, what their goals and values are, and what their core relationship needs are."

How to determine if a relationship is codependent?

• You feel like you cannot live without the other person. As in, you’re certain you wouldn’t have any reason to go on (even after recovering from the heartbreak).
• You’re convinced you need the other person to be happy. Yes, we all need to be connected to people in order to be happy (that makes us human). But there’s no one person that you absolutely need in order to breathe (unless it’s a rare and extreme situation).
• You feel trapped by the relationship, and that if you do something for yourself (like change or grow), you’ll be horrible for abandoning them.
• You feel guilty about moving on from the person, because after all, they’ve done so much for you in the past. And they’d crumble up and wither away with you.
• You want to save the other person in some way. You’re certain that you’re the best person for the job of savior because you love and truly understand them. But the person doesn’t want saving, is resistant to your help, or acts like they care but then continually sabotages all your efforts.
• You tolerate mistreatment or abuse from the other person because you love them too damn much, and you’re stronger than this, better than this. It’s a royal rationalization.
• You repeatedly tell yourself that if you hang on long enough, they’ll change, take your advice, see the light, and finally love you the way you deserve. And boy when that happens, it will have been worth it, because they will be gold. In the meantime though, it’s back to living hell.
• You feel as if you can never stop the other person from hurting you — that you have a life sentence of pain and betrayal. And you might even make excuses for why you deserve this treatment, or at least have to put up with it.
• You feel like you can never get out of the relationship. Meaning, if you tell the other person to leave you alone, they will pester you and try to leech themself back into your life until they’ve succeeded or made life so miserable for you that it ends in a volcanic emotional eruption.
• You have mixed feelings about the person on a regular basis. You simultaneously love and hate them. Or you feel empowered yet disempowered by the relationship. That’s your being in denial of the bad times, and hoping that the good times will make them go away — which won’t happen.
• You’re depressed or sad for no reason. That is until you’re off on your own or with other people who care about you and respect your boundaries.
• You cry uncontrollably for no reason. You’ve gotten so out of touch with the pain that you can’t name it anymore and it violently thrashes your body.
• You continually fantasize about life without the other person. Or you can’t stop from dreaming about it in your sleep.
• You start to develop addictions that before weren’t an issue. And when you’re away from the person, suddenly it’s a non-issue.

Analysis to follow...