You Cannot Fix Others

I am stuck.  I am obviously depressed: trouble sleeping, lack of interest in hobbies, exercise, eating right, work, even watching TV.

I know why. I was delivered divorce papers this week.  I  am not against the divorce... I am just not happy with how horrible the last year has been.

Even now, I do not want her back.  She has repeatedly created situations that should force me to hate her.  What troubles me is who is the real K?  Is it the kind, sweet mother of three kids?  Is it the fiercely protective wife who fought so hard to help clean up some previous messes in my life?  Or is it the fuck-it-all, I give up, bitch who started seeing someone else?

I wasn't perfect.  Far from it.  She has legitimate grievances.  BPD prevents people from accepting the past and moving on.  She says she forgives people, but I know this is untrue.  She holds on to every hurt and pain she has suffered in life.  How do you fix that?  It is not possible. 

So now, we have days like yesterday.  I do not give her what she wants; in this case, the total amount of my paycheck; and all hell breaks loose.  I counted about 80 text messages, and about 15 phone calls.  I made the mistake of responding... and it went on all day.  I only respond because i think somehow, i might get through to her, "this time."  But, it never changes.  We fight, she threatens, she cries, she threatens more.  It is an emotional rollercoaster.  In calm moments, if I mention something that was said in anger, she denies it ever happened. 

Yesterday, she even admitted that she doesn't know what she is saying.  She cannot remember it.  She either blocks it out... or something else takes over.  I believe this.  I have seen it.  She also told me she stopped taking her anti-psychotic.  I believe that too.  Her behavior becomes more erratic... more... unhinged.

She tells me that I am invalidating her feelings when I ignore her.  I am not.  I just cannot process her feelings.  How do you respond to someone who is so black and white, blazing hot and ice cold.  I know there is pain there and I can sympathize... but there is no longer empathy.  Trying to empathize with her tore me apart.  I am not equipped, emotionally, to separate what is normal from what is too intense and will pass.

I just wanted us to be a family.  I tried.  It was not enough.  I do not blame anyone for the end of the marriage.  Divorce is the best option on the table.  I tried to stay married, to meet my own personal sense of obligation, but she filed the papers.  So she made that decision easier.  I am sad.  I miss who she was... and who we both used to be.  But, I am not broken.  I feel damaged, but I also enjoy discovering who I actually am, not who I was forced to be.