Write a Story

I have decided that i need to write a Lovecraftian story about Tesla saving humanity from an otherworldly evil, with the power of electricity.  I think Edison can be the cult leader... seems fitting... and suitably dark...

"He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.” 

 ~Bob Marley

The Girl With the Clockwork Heart

THE GIRL WITH THE CLOCKWORK HEART • by C.L. Holland

Once upon a time there was a girl whose heart had broken from grief. Such was the pain of her broken heart that she went to a kindly watchmaker and asked him to make her a new one out of clockwork.

“For if I had a clockwork heart, I need only replace the faulty cog or gear and never fear a broken heart again.”

“But hearts mend, with time,” he said. “I should know, for time is my business.”

“With a clockwork heart I needn’t wait,” the girl replied. “So I’d rather have a new heart, if you don’t mind.”

The watchmaker did mind, for secretly he loved the girl and if she had a clockwork heart she could never love him back. Still, he made her a new heart anyway, because it was what she wanted, although it saddened him to do so.

For a time the girl was happy. Her new heart worked better than the old one, and she could no longer feel the pain of her grief. But because her heart was clockwork she became cold and selfish, and all the people in her life began to drift away like clouds in the wind.

Because her heart was made of clockwork, she didn’t care.

After a time one of the cogs broke and she returned to the watchmaker.

“Will you replace the broken piece of my heart?” she asked him.

“Wouldn’t you rather have your old heart back?” he replied.

“Why would I want it?” the girl asked. So the watchmaker replaced the cog, although it broke his heart a little to do so.

The girl went back to her life, and after a time she began to miss the company of others. She tried to make new friends, but because her heart was made of clockwork they found her strange and distant, and drew away.

When the spring in her heart broke, she returned to the watchmaker for him to fix it.

“Wouldn’t you rather have your own heart back?” he asked her again. “It must be nearly mended by now.”

“Nearly mended is still broken,” she replied. “And I have no need of a broken heart.”

So the watchmaker replaced the spring, although it broke his heart to do so.

Time passed, and the girl realized she was not content. Everyone around her had a life full of laughter and friendship and love. After a time she went to them and asked how it was they had these things and she didn’t.

“Why, because you have a clockwork heart,” they said. “How can you expect to feel love and joy when you won’t let yourself feel pain and sorrow? A coin must have two sides.”

The girl realised they were right and went back to the watchmaker.

“What do you want?” he asked coldly.

“I would like my old heart back, please,” she said. “It must be mended by now, and in any case it’s better than a heart made of clockwork.”

The watchmaker did as she asked, and when her old heart was in place she finally understood why he had been reluctant and yet done as she requested.

“Are you in love with me?” she asked, surprised.

“I was,” the watchmaker replied. “But doing as you asked broke my heart until finally it snapped in two.
Now my heart is made of clockwork and I need never fear a broken heart again.”

The girl’s heart broke all over again, for now that she could finally love the watchmaker he couldn’t love her back.

Seeing her pain, he asked, “Do you want your clockwork heart back?”

“Broken hearts mend with time,” she said. “So I have no need of a clockwork heart.”

“As you wish,” the watchmaker replied. “For I am quite content with mine.”

Once upon a time there was a girl whose heart had broken from grief. She may not have lived happily ever after, but at least her heart was not made of clockwork.

Type Four and Six Relationship

Enneagram Type Four (the Individualist)
with
Enneagram Type Six (the Loyalist)

What Each Type Brings to the Relationship

Both Enneagram Fours and Sixes, have many natural affinities for each other, especially since both are highly emotional and often feel insecure around people. Both tend to strong, immediate feelings and to act on their unconscious hunches or intuitions. Sixes often misidentify themselves initially as Fours because of the traits that they actually have in common. These very traits can also be ones that they bring to the relationship, enabling them to have an unusual degree of empathy and tolerance for each other. In short, Fours and Sixes can bring to each other the feeling that they are kindred souls, connected by their feelings of abandonment and a certain distrust of others. They may feel like "orphans in the storm" who offer mutual support and reassurance. Rather than energize each other, when they are healthy, Fours and Sixes tend to support and stabilize each other, usually acting as a sounding board for worries and complaints that they feel they cannot air anywhere else.
Fours bring sensitivity, sensuality, and the ability to express emotions openly, including the feelings that Sixes themselves do not know how to express. Fours talk about their inner lives—again, something that Sixes often need to learn. Sixes bring hard work, perseverance, practicality, loyalty, and concern with security to the relationship. They are also often warm and unpredictably playful and able to break through whatever gloom and self-absorption Fours may periodically fall into. Fours give Sixes the sense that they are needed—helping to give Sixes more confidence in their ability to cope with things. Sixes like being practical and they often provide Fours with a platform of some kind to develop their creativity as well as the time and support they may need to work through their emotional issues. This combination creates steadiness and daring, balance and the ability to fill in the gaps for each other both in their own development and in practical affairs.

Potential Trouble Spots or Issues

As noted above, both Fours and Sixes have issues with feelings of abandonment. Both types in the lower Levels tend to be emotionally reactive, critical of others, pessimistic, and can feel overwhelmed. While they may not often talk about it, they may test each other in various ways in an attempt to discover how loyal the other will be to them. Both types may also begin to subtly withdraw attention and affection from the other as a way of defending against the hurt of potential abandonment, should it occur. But in this, both types have a tendency to create a self-fulfilling prophesy in which their fears and reactions bring about the very thing they are consciously trying to avoid. Both types can become codependent, and their reliance on each other may not result in development for either: Fours do not automatically become more practical, and Sixes do not become more insightful about themselves.
Another potential trouble spot for Fours and Sixes lies in the area of change and tolerance for change. Generally, Fours are more interested in self-exploration and self-development and they tend to be more adventuresome in their tastes and in what they allow themselves to think and to experience. Sixes tend to be more conservative and resistant to change and to personal exploration, making for potential conflict with Fours, who may feel that Sixes are holding them back and stifling their creativity and development. Both can be pessimistic and self-doubting, gloomy and mistrustful of others. The complaint that Fours typically have about Sixes is that they are not free-spirited and romantic enough, whereas the complaint of Sixes about Fours is that they are too undependable and act too much on whims and are not emotionally stable enough. Both types are reactive and conflicts can escalate quickly: misunderstandings can lead to projections and massive over-reactions.

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Wow... it's like they have been spying on us.  Crazy accurate.

Enneagram Type Four: The Individualist

The Enneagram Blogspot

"Creatures of emotional extremes, enneagram type 4s are awash in a stormy sea of emotions. They are all about relationships and seem to be always beginning, ending, or analyzing relationships. They feel frustrated in their search for connection to others. As children, they didn’t feel like the parents really understood them or were there for them emotionally. Whether or not this was really true is beside the point. They feel like they were born into the wrong family and continue to seek out people who will nurture them, mirror them, and rescue them from their suffering."

"People of Enneatype Four construct their identities around their perception of themselves as being somehow unique and fundamentally different from others. This deep felt sense of being “different from” or “other than” pervades the Four’s sense of self, and functions as the basis for the Four’s attempt to create a persona that properly reflects who they feel they really are. Fours are not content (or even able) to live out the role assigned them by their societies or their families; they self-consciously search for an expression they feel will be truly authentic. Of all the types, Fours are the most acutely aware that the persona is a construct – something which has been created and can thus be re-created. This is indeed the fundamental respect in which Fours are artists; they may or may not be artists in the conventional sense of the term, but all Fours have a sense that their identities are, in some respect, their own creation."

 I have always felt that who I am is very subjective.  The me, as I view myself, can change from day to day, season to season, even moment to moment.  The joy I feel is stronger than other people's joy.  The pain I feel must be that much stronger.  One of my favorite quotes is from Daffy Duck, "I can’t stand pain, it hurts me!"  It is too easy to get lost in my own fantasy realm of emotions; joy, pain, loss, emptiness.  Notice that the negative frequently outweighs the positive.

I type as a 4 with a 5 wing (4w5).  Described as the following:

"Healthy side of this wing brings a withdrawn, complex creativity. May be somewhat intellectual but have exceptional depth of feeling and insight. Very much their own person; original and idiosyncratic. Have a spiritual and aesthetic openness. Will find multiple levels of meaning to most events. May have a strong need and ability to pour themselves into artistic creations. Loners; can seem enigmatic and hard to read. Externally reserved and internally resonant. When they open up it can be sudden and total. When entranced or defensive, Fours with a 5 wing can easily feel alienated and depressed. Many have a sense of not belonging, of being from another planet. Can get lost in their own process, drown in their own ocean. Whiny - tend to ruminate and relive past experience. Prone to the emotion of shame. Air of sullen, withdrawn disappointment. May live within a private mythology of pain and loss. Can get deeply morbid and fall in love with death."

 I analyze to the point of stagnation and immovability.  My desire to acquire knowledge extends to my own internal turmoil and I find it easy to become lost in my own personal melancholy.  To break this cycle of mental-lock-down, requires taking a step back from how I am feeling and acknowledge that I am NOT my emotions.  Emotions provide a lens for viewing reality, but do not dictate my reality. 

Enneagram Institute

Riso & Hudson provide the following levels of personal development, specific to 4s.

Healthy Levels

Level 1 (At Their Best): Profoundly creative, expressing the personal and the universal, possibly in a work of art. Inspired, self-renewing and regenerating: able to transform all their experiences into something valuable: self-creative.
Level 2: Self-aware, introspective, on the "search for self," aware of feelings and inner impulses. Sensitive and intuitive both to self and others: gentle, tactful, compassionate.
Level 3: Highly personal, individualistic, "true to self." Self-revealing, emotionally honest, humane. Ironic view of self and life: can be serious and funny, vulnerable and emotionally strong.

Average Levels

Level 4: Take an artistic, romantic orientation to life, creating a beautiful, aesthetic environment to cultivate and prolong personal feelings. Heighten reality through fantasy, passionate feelings, and the imagination.
Level 5: To stay in touch with feelings, they interiorize everything, taking everything personally, but become self-absorbed and introverted, moody and hypersensitive, shy and self-conscious, unable to be spontaneous or to "get out of themselves." Stay withdrawn to protect their self-image and to buy time to sort out feelings.
Level 6: Gradually think that they are different from others, and feel that they are exempt from living as everyone else does. They become melancholy dreamers, disdainful, decadent, and sensual, living in a fantasy world. Self-pity and envy of others leads to self-indulgence, and to becoming increasingly impractical, unproductive, effete, and precious.

Unhealthy Levels

Level 7: When dreams fail, become self-inhibiting and angry at self, depressed and alienated from self and others, blocked and emotionally paralyzed. Ashamed of self, fatigued and unable to function.
Level 8: Tormented by delusional self-contempt, self-reproaches, self-hatred, and morbid thoughts: everything is a source of torment. Blaming others, they drive away anyone who tries to help them.
Level 9: Despairing, feel hopeless and become self-destructive, possibly abusing alcohol or drugs to escape. In the extreme: emotional breakdown or suicide is likely. Generally corresponds to the Avoidant, Depressive, and Narcissistic personality disorders. 

Maintaining a healthy mental state requires allowing my emotions to surface, examining their direction and intensity, and then accepting the conclusions that can be drawn from my experiences.  This provides a healthy feedback system that enables me to maintain a sense of purpose and clarity.  Am I on the right path?  Is what I am doing making me happy?  At all times, I must refrain from allowing my fantasy world from overtaking reality.  Obsession and over-analysis result in a negative feedback loop that shuts down all rational thought.

Integration (Self Realization and Productivity)

"As Fours become more aware of their tendency to brood and to fantasize about their many hurts and disappointments, they also become aware of the cost to themselves of this way of being. As they relax and accept themselves more deeply, they gradually become free of their constant emotional turbulence and their need to maintain emotional crises or to indulge themselves as a consolation prize for not fulfilling their potential. Gradually and naturally, they become more objective, grounded, and practical, like healthy Ones. They also become more realistic and able to operate in the real world. Without imposing harsh disciplines or expectations on themselves, integrating Fours want to become involved in matters beyond themselves, such as in community work, politics, the environment, or in other worthwhile ways to engage their minds and hearts. On some level, they choose no longer to indulge themselves but to live within the constraints of reality. When they do so, they find the payoffs and the pleasures—and their creativity—are deeper and much more fulfilling."

At my most productive, my type shifts to resemble that of Type 1.  Objective, practical, realistic and capable of operating in the real world.  I find it interesting that my personality type gravitates to those who have personality traits that I envy or desire, and my partner is a type 1.  Obviously, my subconscious knew something I did not.  It would seem imperative that I continually strive to break the cycle of emotional over-analysis.  Reality does not change because I have an anxiety attack over an imagined insult or slight.  Even legitimate criticism should be met with logic and reason.  Did I fail in my obligations?  Am I capable of improving my performance?

"Fours grow by recognizing that while the hurts and losses of the past were real enough, there is no need to keep revisiting them in the imagination. On the contrary, doing so keeps drawing them out of the richness and depth of the present moment—the one time and place in which their real feelings and their true identity can be found. Fours need to see how working up their feelings actually moves them further away from their most authentic self and their truest self expression."

Building Trust

From the Article: Trust and Trust Building

"Our trust in another individual can be grounded in our evaluation of his/her ability, integrity, and benevolence. That is, the more we observe these characteristics in another person, our level of trust in that person is likely to grow."

 Ability refers to the level of general competence or skill of the individual.  If we know that they are capable of performing tasks then we generally accept their results.

Integrity represents the degree to which the trustee adheres to principles that the trustor finds acceptable.  This dimension is heavily influenced by the past.  Integrity is a catch-all definition that encompasses honesty, accurate communication, and follow-through.

Benevolence is the general acceptance that the trustee has the best interests of the trustor in mind.  The trusted individual must be concerned about the trustor's general welfare and help advance the trustor's interests or at least not actively impede progress.

 My most challenging issue is with the concept of integrity.  I have utilized lies and deceit for the majority of my adult life, either to avoid conflict or to avoid painful emotional situations.  The dismal failure rate of this method has led me to the conclusion that I must change my methods.  Being honest with others first requires me to be honest with myself; facing my fears and accepting that I cannot influence the outcome of events in a positive manner if I am employing negative tactics.

"At early stages of a relationship, trust is at a calculus-based level. In other words, an individual will carefully calculate how the other party is likely to behave in a given situation depending on the rewards for being trustworthy and the deterrents against untrustworthy behavior. In this manner, rewards and punishments form the basis of control that a trustor has in ensuring the trustee's behavioral consistency."

 The most important relationship in my life has been trapped at this level for far too long.  I have never accepted the reward/punishment cycle that has eroded any sense of trust in my relationship.  The rewards (often insubstantial, yet meaningful) were never more important than my selfish motivations.  The punishments never had a meaningful impact on my behavior because I never accepted how my actions were truly affecting the emotional well-being of another.  I was self destructive, so masochistically accepting punishments simply fed my own self-loathing.

 "Over time, calculus-based trust (CBT) can be built as individuals manage their reputation and assure the stability of their behavior by behaving consistently, meeting agreed-to deadlines, and fulfilling promises. CBT is a largely cognitively-driven trust phenomenon, grounded in judgments of the trustees predictability and reliability."

 Given my own INTP nature and the similar, yet more externally based INTJ, nature of my partner's personalities, this method of viewing trust should be very practical.   My actions result in a net gain/loss on a cognitive, calculus-based trust (CBT) scale.  Viewed this way, the early nature of building trust is similar to an experience level bar in a MMORPG.  The nature of my analogy is crass, but from a theoretical perspective it is easy for me to view this as progress.  Even small actions, when performed with Ability, Integrity, and Benevolence, result in an increase in the bar.

"As the parties come to a deeper understanding of each other through repeated interactions, they may become aware of shared values and goals. This allows trust to grow to a higher and qualitatively different level. When trust evolves to the highest level, it is said to function as identification-based trust (IBT). At this stage trust has been built to the point that the parties have internalized each other's desires and intentions. They understand what the other party really cares about so completely that each party is able to act as an agent for the other. Trust at this advanced stage is also enhanced by a strong emotional bond between the parties, based on a sense of shared goals and values. So, in contrast to CBT, IBT is a more emotionally-driven phenomenon, grounded in perceptions of interpersonal care and concern, and mutual need satisfaction."

 Wow.  That is a mouthful.   Effectively, CBT "levels-up" to a higher form of trust, identification-based trust (IBT).  IBT represents a true partnership.  Either party can gauge, with a high degree of accuracy, the goals or desires of the other.  Based on this, decisions can be made that mutually benefit both parties.  Either party can act as an Agent of the other with the understanding that decisions are being made with the highest level of Ability, Integrity, and Benevolence.

This is not the same as codependence.  In fact, this is the highest form of interdependence possible.  Your own abilities are enhanced by the abilities of another, so that the relationship is greater than the sum of it's parts.

TRUST VIOLATIONS

 "Trust violations occur when the trustor's (i.e., the victim's) confident positive expectations of the trustee (i.e., the offender) are disconfirmed."

In my own life, I am currently sitting at an experience bar slightly above zero (I hope).  So many repeated violations of trust, both in terms of integrity, magnitude, and frequency have resulted in potential negative levels.

 "The experience of a trust violation is likely to result in the trustor making (1) a cognitive appraisal of the situation and (2) experiencing a distressed emotional state. The cognitive appraisal refers to the victim's assignment of culpability to the offender and the evaluation of the costs associated with the violation. The emotional reaction is likely to be composed of some mixture of anger, disappointment, and/or frustration at oneself for trusting and at the offender for exploiting that trust."

Negative emotional behaviors, that I learned in childhood and have carried with me into my adult life, have left me with too much self-pity and guilt.  Each violation of trust and the resultant emotional pain that I caused simply fueled additional negative behaviors.  Lying to myself about what was important or pretending that reality was something that it was not are the worst aspects of my personality.  I have the potential for so much good, focusing on the negative has brought nothing but pain to those around me.

REBUILDING TRUST

"After trust has been damaged, there are two key considerations for the victim: (1) dealing with the stress the violation imposed on the relationship, and (2) determining if future violations will occur. After a trust violation and the cognitive and affective fallout that ensues, the first critical question is, is the victim willing to reconcile? If the victim believes that the violator will not make efforts at righting the wrongs and minimizing future violations, the victim has no incentive to attempt reconciliation and restore trust."

 In this context, reconciliation is much more important than forgiveness in rebuilding a relationship of trust.  The victim may forgive and move on, leaving the relationship destroyed, yet experiencing a release from the emotional trauma.  Reconciliation offers the same potential relief with the bonus of future positive emotions.  Reconciliation is significantly more challenging and requires effort on the part of the trustee and the trustor.

In my own life, it has come to the point where my Integrity is so low, that my words and promises are meaningless.  Only by regularly, and routinely performing honest and genuine acts of kindness can I demonstrate my true intent to repair the damage.  Again, there are no guarantees.  It may be that the only positive outcome may be to salvage a friendship, but one that is irreparably damaged.  For me, even this is better than the lasting harm I have done to another, especially one I claim to care about so deeply.

"In CBT relationships, expectations of the other party are grounded in a cognitive appraisal of the costs and benefits involved in a given transaction, with minimal emphasis on the emotional investment in the relationship (i.e., emotional concerns are not irrelevant, but just not as central as cognitive concerns). Violations in a CBT relationship involve a focus on the exchange itself and the loss of the specific benefits the victim was relying on from the exchange. In short, in order to repair CBT, parties tend to focus on the impact (i.e., the direct consequences) of the trust violation as the primary issue to address in any repair effort."

In a CBT relationship, actions speak louder than words.  Honesty, clear communication, and benevolent intent are key to rebuilding the experience bar.  At this point, there can be no more "slip-ups," "miscommunications," or "misunderstandings."  Those excuses were used up a long time ago.  Now is the time for exhibiting my true character, without the fear and negative cognitive blockages.

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There is no reset switch.  I have no save points.  Every decision I have made has led me to this point.  I can continue to dwell on my past failures and the pain I have inflicted, using that to draw me further down the spiral of self-pity, or I can accept that it may not be possible to ever achieve the IBT phase of this relationship.  What I can do, is look to the future, focus on my own Integrity and attempt to build the trust of those around me.  I have to accept that there will be hiccups, and that I may face significant distrust or open hostility.  My actions must never waiver, and attempts to be dishonest or mislead must be immediately rectified.

Interdependence

"A healthy romantic relationship is based on interdependence.  Codependence and interdependence are two very different dynamics."

 "Codependence is about giving away power over our self-esteem.  Taking our self-definition and self-worth from outside or external sources is dysfunctional because it causes us to give power over how we feel about ourselves to people and forces which we cannot control."

"Interdependence is about making allies, forming partnerships.  It is about forming connections with other beings.  Interdependence means that we give someone else some power over our welfare and our feelings.  Anytime we care about somebody or something we give away some power over our feelings.  It is impossible to Love without giving away some power."

 "We will have feelings - we will get hurt, we will be scared, we will get angry - because those feelings are an unavoidable part of life. Feelings are a part of the human experience that we came here to learn about - they cannot be avoided."

 "Anyone who is unconscious to how the people and events of their past have shaped who they are today, is incapable of being present in the now and having a healthy relationship.   When we are reacting unconsciously to the emotional wounds and old tapes from our childhoods, we are being emotionally dishonest in the moment - we are mostly reacting to how we felt in a similar dynamic in the past, not clearly responding to what is happening in the present."

Building a solid foundation of interdependence (note: not independence which is just as unrealistic as codependency) is essential to a healthy mental state.  The first step is acknowledging when our mental scars are interfering with our current situation.  If I am unable to approach a situation with rationality and logic it is because I am following an old, flawed paradigm of behavior.  The answer, learn to live in the moment.

"We need to live more in the moment. Living in the moment—also called mindfulness—is a state of active, open, intentional attention on the present."

 "Mindfulness is at the root of Buddhism, Taoism, and many Native-American traditions, not to mention yoga. It's why Thoreau went to Walden Pond; it's what Emerson and Whitman wrote about in their essays and poems."

Six Steps to Mindfulness

1. To Improve Your Performance, Stop Thinking About It (Unselfconsciousness)
2. To Avoid Worrying About The Future, Focus On The Present (Savoring)
3. If You Want A Future With Your Significant Other, Inhabit The Present (Breathe)
4. To Make The Most Of Time, Lose Track Of It (Flow)
5. If Something Is Bothering You, Move Toward It (Acceptance)
6. Know That You Do Not Know (Engagement)